How Everyone Died

How Christmas Died

"I don't want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need. AND I, don't care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree" Josephine sang as she ran around her cave house.

12 chickens and 8 giraffes had died already listening to Josephine's singing. But on this very rainy day, 312 days from Christmas, Josephine just wanted to sing her favourite song outside and pretend the rain was snow and she lived in America where they had white Christmases.

"Make my wish come truuuuuuuuueeeeee, baby all I want for Christmas is youuuuuuuuuu."

18 pre-pubescent teenaged boys died from hearing Josephine's beautiful high notes. HoboBear woke up from his nap and threw Josephine out of the cave and down the hill. Luckily, Josephine had placed a giant trampoline at the bottom of the hill for emergencies like this and flew back up to the cave like Superman. Or whichever superhero flies.

"You can't sing Christmas carols 312 days from Christmas" HoboBear said when Josephine returned to the cave.
"Yeah, at least sing Halloween songs" Care Bear said.
"THIS IS HALLOWEEN. THIS IS HALLOWEEN" they sang.

6 squirrels in a nearby tree died from hearing two bears trying to sing This is Halloween. Josephine walked out of the cave because she did not celebrate the devil's birthday, because the devil never invites her to his birthday parties. Josephine thought this was vERY rude and wanted to kill the devil for it.

Josephine wanted to go for a Macca's run but she didn't like running so she went for a Macca's walk. On the way to Macca's, Josephine heard someone singing Silent Night which is a very bad because it's not the Taylor Swift version. Josephine used her good hearing that she'd gotten from her grandmother, the snapchat dog filter.

Eventually Josephine tracked down a 8297 year old man named Santa Claus who was going for a Macca's walk as well. Josephine saw this as a chance to decrease the amount of people on the planet, in the hopes to one day be the only person left in the world with all the money and chocolate.

She looked around for something to stab Santa Claus with but couldn't find anything, then she remembered that old people are old and people that are old cannot use new things like Josephine's iPhone 9+ that she won from a very legitimate survey online.

"Excuse me sir, can you please help me fix my phone?" Josephine asked.
"No because you are on my naughty list" he said.
"Excuse me??1??2?2 How dare you, peasant."

Josephine pushed Santa into the ground which was wet because it was raining. Santa was sad because his coat got wet. He jumped on Josephine and tried to drown her in the thin layer of water on the road. That wasn't very nice.

Santa's pulled his coat off, revealing his sexy, hairy, old man chest. Josephine bit off Santa's left nipple and started licking his face, because she was angry that Santa was so good looking. She stood up.

"All I want for Christmas isssssss youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu."
"No!1!1!1!!!" Santa shouted.

This made Josephine mad so she grabbed Santa by the booty and snapped his body in half. There was a lot of blood and Josephine remembered that vampires drink blood so she started drinking Santa's blood to try and attract a hot vampire that looked like Cedric Diggory and they could fall in love. But Cedric died. Nyomm.

Josephine was still hungry for Macca's so she ate Santa Claus's brain. It tasted like chicken nuggets. This made Josephine happy. Because chicken nuggets are good.