Trying to Throw my Arms Around the World

Cold shower

Cold shower

And it was. It was a drunken, immoral, guilt-ridden mess of a shag, but it was definitely much more than a kiss. It wasn’t satisfying, it was just tipsy fumbling in the dark, clumsy and going nowhere. It was revenge. It was pay-back for the first time Lou gave me a taste of heartbreak when she showed up with Katy as her girlfriend, retaliation for her confession that she had a crush on Claire, and it was the ultimate act of vengeance for her treacherous dalliance with her boss. It wasn’t much of a shag, but in this instance the location, Lou’s own house, and the person, Lou’s best friend since forever and her first love, outweighed any orgasm. And I had never hated myself so much. I didn’t even care what Vic’s motives were, even though obviously some form of resentment had been budding between Lou and her. All I cared about, curiously enough, was Lucy and how, as soon as I’d had an opportunity, I had betrayed her when she deserved so much better. She could never find out. Vic couldn’t save me. I could only guess what Lou’s reaction would be, but I didn’t want to be around to witness it. All I wanted was to wash it all off me and have Lucy wrap her arms around me.

“I have to go,” I said. “Can I have a quick shower?”

Vic was so out of it that she barely responded. I stalked to the bathroom and hopped in the shower, turning up the heat so the water scalded my skin.

“How did your interview go?” A voice said from behind the curtain. Lou. I’d never even heard her come home. “Vic?” she shouted. “I had the worst fucking day.”

It’s about to get a lot worse, I thought. Then Vic entered the bathroom.

“Oh shit, I’m sorry,” Lou said. “I had no idea you had someone over.”

I stood behind the shower curtain, steam rising up around me and my heart pounding away in my chest. I turned off the water and took a deep breath.

“Are you sleeping your way to the top already?” Lou joked. Vic didn’t reply.

“Not exactly.” I drew the curtain open and, naked, faced Lou’s look of bewilderment. “It sucks, doesn’t it?” I tried to step out of the tub gracefully and with my head held high, but I was still slightly tipsy and my feet were wet.

Neither Lou nor Vic spoke, both grasped by a terrible shock and the sudden realisation of the ramifications their actions would have on their friendship. I grabbed a towel and flung it around me.

“I’d better go.” I rushed into Vic’s room and jumped into my clothes as quickly as I could. I was about to dash down the stairs when Lou burst out of the bathroom, her face striped with tears.

“I knew you would do something like this, Lee. I just knew it.”

“Something like what?” I started my descent. “Sleeping with the one person that means most to you?” She was on my heels. “Like that thing you did?” I reached the bottom of the stairs and glanced up at her, at her red-rimmed eyes, her blotched complexion and I knew she’d be better off without me. “I’m sorry.” I sighed. “It wasn’t premeditated. It just happened.” The lousiest excuse in the history of mankind. But it was the truth. I turned around and made for the door. Some things cannot be undone, I thought when I slammed it shut behind me and went on my way to Lucy. And some things are better left unsaid.

To be continued…