Trying to Throw my Arms Around the World

Nothing

Nothing

“Let her in, Alex,” I said. “This should be good.”
Lou walked in, her eyes red-rimmed, her face shot through with guilt. Alex stood behind me, a protective hand on my shoulder.
“It’s all right,” I said. “Give us a minute?” 
He threw Lou the nastiest glance possible — and Alex, when given good reason, could be quite the bitchy queen — reducing the atmospheric temperature in the room to well below zero.
“God, Lee, I’m so sorry,” Lou started. “You have no idea.”
I didn’t speak. I wanted to shout, release the anger, but all I felt was loss, again. I could barely look at her. She still wore the HELP t-shirt, its print now more accurate than ridiculous.
“I haven’t come here to give you excuses because there’s no excuse for what happened.” She stayed a few feet away from me. “I just need you to know that it meant absolutely nothing.” She paused, searching my face for a reaction, but I was too numb to engage. “These feelings I thought I had for Claire were stupid, laughable, utterly ridiculous.”
“What? She made you do it then?” My voice was raspy and thin from all the crying. “I came back for you. Do you know that? That’s why I came to your house. To see how we could make it work again.”
“I’m sorry.” She inched a little closer and kneeled down beside me. “It had been a late night and we were both lonely, we started drinking—”
“Oh sure.”
“I’m not asking for forgiveness. I just need you to know that there’s absolutely nothing going on between us.”
“Just some Friday night hanky panky then. To work off the stress of the work week. I get it.”
“You were seeing this woman. As far as I knew you had moved on and I had lost you. I hadn’t heard from you—”
“So it’s my fault then?”
“No, of course not. I’m just trying to explain.”
“What I saw was obvious enough.”
“Claire still loves you—”
“Everybody says they love me, yet here I am. Miserable and alone, crying on Alex’s couch.”
“I know I fucked it up, babe. I’m—”
“Who initiated it?”
“What?”
“Who made the first move tonight?”
“I—I don’t know,” she stammered. “It’s all a bit of a blur.”
“You came here to explain something you don’t even remember?”
Lou stood up and retreated. She must have known that nothing she would say could make up for what she did.
“I’m sorry.” She shook her head. Her cheeks were flushed, no doubt with shame.
Beneath the sharp, almost unbearable sting of betrayal, I felt a tiny bit sorry for her because I knew what it was like to fuck everything up. I was hardly a stranger to the turmoil she was going through, and I knew better than anyone how the relentless tug of guilt at your soul felt. I knew exactly what she was going through because her flaws were mine and, basically, we’d both fallen foolishly, ridiculously and painfully for Claire Burns. But I had no room in my heart for forgiveness.
“I think you’d better go.” I buried my face in my hands so I didn’t have to see her leave. I heard her shuffle out of the room, the sniffling sounds she made cutting through every nerve in my body. I only looked up again when Alex stormed back in. His face had grown a dangerous shade of crimson.
“Stay here tonight. I’ll give you something to help you sleep. We’ll deal with those bitches in the morning.”
“No,” I said. “I need to see her. I need to see Claire.”

To be continued…