As I Lay Dying

Five

"What's happening?" Jimmy whispers loudly.

I nudge him in the ribs to silence him. We've managed to get fairly close to meeting that's happening and I'm listening intently. The last thing we need is for him to give away our position and get us in trouble.

Everyone has been in a state of tension since the General arrived here an hour ago. It was my turn to take watch near our officers little camp in the trench and of course Jimmy was right by my side. I listen carefully to the final outcome of the meeting before turning to him.

"They're going to send us a battalion of Australians." I whisper.

"That's good, right? We need more men." Jimmy whispers back optimistically.

I shake my head slowly, unwillingly to burst his optimism.

"They're sending us more troops." I whisper slowly.

"That's good isn't... Oh." He suddenly catches on and a frown traces itself across his forehead. "We need more troops because... Because we'll be going over the top soon."

I nod grimly and he sits back heavily. We are both quiet for the rest of our patrol, but Jim is unusually so and by the time we've come off our watch, the rumour has spread round the entire battalion.

Jimmy hadn't spoken since we found out that we'll soon be going over the top, meeting those adverseries so close yet so nearby. He'd almost tried to forget they were there.

As we arrive back to our part of the trench a few voices call him over to play dice or cards but he ignores them, rushing into the scant safety of the hollowed out part of the earth we sleep in. I follow him quickly, shushing the dissenting voices that call after him.

"Jim."

He doesn't respond.

"Jimmy!" I lean forward to touch him before I see the shake of his body.

I stare at the silent sobs that rack his huge muscular frame. The fear and panic radiates from him and to my bitter shame I can't help him. Without even trying to reassure him I move away.

I walk down the muddy walls of the trench, humiliation flaming in my cheeks that a dear friend, who would have sat by side as I cried, who would comfort me through anything, must now cry and feel fear alone because I'm simply too inadequate to help him.

I find a quiet place and tuck myself into it, and there I cry.

Hot tears pour down my face, for her, for Jimmy. The bitter, salty trickle down my cheeks is for them both, though they'll never know it, I weep for her arrogance and Jimmy's innocence. The sadness in my heart that I finally allow to break free is for the breaking of a dear friend. No matter what happens in this battle something will change in him and maybe I cry for myself too. For the loss of a perfect, pureness that I know will be stolen from my dear friend.

And so I weep for them both. The two losses of innocence, neither of which I am responsible for... But both of which I have chosen to bear as my cross.

It's a long while before I regain my composure, it takes several shouts of my name before I emerge slowly, like a deformed, broken butterfly from my cocoon and slowly walk to my place.

Jimmy is waiting and there is no trace of anger, no sense of my desertion on his face. Although I failed him in his time of need he won't blame me.

We walk slowly along the perimeters of our watch in silence before finally  settling, sitting next to each other and staring at no-mans land.

"I'm a coward." Jimmy says eventually. "Crying like a big bloody baby because I've got to do what I came here for."

"You wouldn't be normal if you weren't afraid Jim. It doesn't matter how many times you do it, it's still a terrifying thing to face your own mortality."