Musings

7. Salt Water Therapy

The tears are so fresh and so quick to escape the safety and privacy of my eyes.

I guess I can't really say they're "fresh" when I've known they have been welling up for days - just hanging there, trying their darndest to break free.

It's almost funny how we try and try and try to stop such a natural process as crying just for the sake of maintaining a reputation. Or something silly like that.

I thought all I needed was to bathe in the salty water, but instead I had to release the salty water.

And I keep wondering why it is that I now feel empty after I've just spent the most wonderful couple of days with you, doing the things I've been yearning for?

So e.m.p.t.y.

I can't help but feel like if I were with you, instead, it would feel much more like home...?

I kind of wonder at times like this if there's something more in my head -

I should feel amazing, but I dont.

We always have fun together. You're probably the only one who I can have this kind of fun with, these kinds of adventures and nights and drives. Just the simple stuff. The conversation and the sharing of our dreams. You seem to understand it the way I do. Most everyone else is too busy to care.

But I think I'm just beyond the point of care, or I in fact am caring too much, and now it all just feels a little saddening.

And I keep pleading with God, telling Him it's been too long -

"Lord, I just can't take it anymore. Again, and again, nothing changes. I'm trying my best to change what I can but everything is missing. It's me, isn't it? I'm not doing it right, right?"

I doubt any of these changes I make will bring any of us closer.

My tears are. blurring this now. They decided they would make another appearance. Probably not the last one tonight either.

A "fresh" (there's that word again) tissue has momentarily calmed the qualm that's finding it's release through my eyes; that's originated in the heart and now has nowhere to go but to swell larger in my mind until I next need a tissue.

Why do I feel so empty and so unable of friends like you, and you, and YOU? Where are you?

Wait, I see you, with your beautiful group of friends - so beautiful because you all are available to each other, you all care so much, you all want to be together, you can think of nothing better than exploring with each other. And you really are beautiful.

I feel like I'm crazy for watching from afar, wishing for you, you lacking the knowledge of my existence, and feeling so stupid. Wanting so badly to be a part of what you have. The perfect thing you have going on.

I just

I just can't describe

how empty I feel.

It's just emptiness.

What other word is there?

empty ˈɛm(p)ti/

adjective   1. containing nothing; not filled or occupied.  

Well then, I feel as though I'm not occupied -

maybe my soul has vacated my body

floating to the better dreams

better views

better people

taking my  heart with it.

That must be it -

empty,

no soul

no heart,

my body no longer occcupied.

I can't believe I've 'died'.

---

Just a little condolence note. I have to get this off of my chest and somewhere that was more permanent.

Paul Walker - rest easy, I know the world lost someone fantastic; a creator, someone who lived the meaning of selfless devotion, a talent, a family man. You certainly impacted my earlier years, and I am so forever thankful for that. I respect your work and your life and I realise that you are someone who has resonated with my deepest desires. I hope to live with your same vivacity.

- P