Pretty Little Black Parade

I Don't Love You

*FlashBack*

"Aria you need to go."

"Why? Ezra I don't understand."

Aria's is close to tears.

"You don't get it. I'm breaking up with you. Go."

"Ezra...." She grabs my hand I pull it away. We're standing in the doorway of my apartment.

"Aria, you need to go."

"But Ezra I love you!" It's been two weeks since the shooting. We stayed together but I can see the wear of the situation and relationship on Aria.

"Aria, the toxic influence I'm having on you may ultimately ruin your life. Which is why you need to go."

"No, Ezra, it's not, please, just please, we'll get through this! I'm okay, I can help you..."

"Fine Aria." I snap. Although I don't know why I'm snapping at her. She's done nothing wrong.

"But when you go, when you finally come to your senses, don't ever think I'll try to make you stay"

"Okay."

"And when you do leave I'll have to move on. Cause I know you'll come back."

"Okay." She whipes her tears. I should be whiping her tears. But I'm not. I'm awful.

I sit down on the couch and turn the TV on. She stands froozen in the door way for a while before coming over to me. I don't talk to her. And she stays on the other side of the couch. And she doesn't ask to put To Kill a Mocking Bird on. But she does stay on the couch. And so do I. That's something.

*****

A few days later, Aria comes over unexpectly after class. Just as I'm on the phone with my doctor schedualing a regular yearly check up. She knocks, and I go answer it. When I see it's Aria, I hang up the phone before schedualing. Which is one of the reasons why it took so long to diagnose my cancer. Nice timing, Aria.

"You're pushing me away!" Aria pushes her way in my apartment. "And it's not fair!"

"Aria, seriously?" I slam the door behind her.

"Yes seriously! Why are you pushing me away!?"

"You know why, Aria!"

"But it's not fair!" She throws her purse on my couch. 

"Life isn't fair!"

"You still owe me!"

"What do I owe you?" I ask raising my hands.

"Time!" She yells.

We both pause. She walks closer to me. "We're supposed to have a long life together. You promised."

"Aria..." I take her hand and guide her to the couch. "You need to get out while you can."

"You keep saying things like that." She says. "But what do they mean?"

"You need to leave me for your own sake before you get in too deep and really, REALLY love me, which would make it even harder and probably impossible for you to leave. And things are going to get hard. And dark. You know I'm not good for you. I'm just..." I pause. "Sick."

Funny that I'd say this because I didn't even know about the cancer at this point.

Eventually Aria got tired of me pushing her away and convincing her to leave. And so she did. "I'm sick and tired of this needless beating." She had told me. "And so you win, Ezra. You win. I'll leave."

And so I asked her, "Do you love me?"

She paused for a long time. "Needless beating." She finally whispered.

"Do you have the guts to say 'I don't love you.'?" I asked.

She looked at me with wet eyes. "I don't love you like I did yesterday." And then she left. And that was the last time I ever saw her.