Pretty Little Black Parade

This is How I Disappear

My fingers linger over my keyboard. I stare down at the letters. Why is it that they aren't in alphabetical order? Who though of mixing them all up anyway? 

I'm logged onto my Facebook. My mother, and even Aria, are my friends, although we don't speak. 

"I've kept this to myself for a while." I begin typing. "I'm only making this known, so if I die today, it won't be a surprise to anyone." morbid much? "I myself like surprises. But I don't think many of you do. I have stage four melanoma. Which is a fancy word for you're out of luck and you're going to die even if the doctors say you have a shot. I know I'm probably gonna die. And I'm okay with that. I just thought I should let you all know, also." I look at what I wrote carefully. Then I delete the last four sentences. "The melanoma spread to my brain, liver and lungs. They took the rumors from my liver out and in two days they'll try and get the ones in my brain." I stop there. I don't know what else there is to say. I'm about to post it, but then I add the location to the post. It pops up the hospitals name with the link to the address. I click the post button and I close my laptop. Then I decide to take a nap. I can't muster up enough energy to move my laptop or turn off the light. I don't even have the energy to Press the nurses button. I just fall asleep right there. 

****

When I wake up from my surgery I'm angry. I'm very angry. two days ago I posted that I had a deadly cancer. Not one visit. Not one call. Not one card. Only Wesley has contacted me. A few people commented and sent their love. But I wake up from surgery - BRAIN SURGERY - and no one is in my room. Not even Wesley.

Aria is the love of my life. And I know that's not fair to her. So I broke up with her. I know I shoved her away. But part of me hoped, regardless of me breaking her heart, she'd be there as I had my cancer-ridden brain cut open. But no. Not even a phone call. I can't blame her. If I were here I'd probably wish me dead too. Intact even as myself I wish me dead.

I am twenty three years old. I Graduated highschool when I was eighteen. Then I went to college to be a highschool teacher. In my senior year of college, I met a girl named Aria. Aria was still in highschool. She was a senior in highschool, but she was taking a duel enrollment class there. We started hanging out and talking, and soon we were both head over heels. But I could never get up the nerve to actually become official with her because I knew I was no good for her. I was twenty two, she was only seventeen. I was sort of slipping into depression. She was this sweet little Pastor daughter who was dead set on waiting till marriage and all that. But one day, finally, she just spat it out. "Can we be official?" She asked as we sat outside eating subway sandwiches. 

"Uhm..." I pause. "Yes." I had said. Even though I shouldn't have. "We can." 

Then she kissed me. Our first kiss. Then she said it was time for her to get back to highschool, she got in her car, and she left. I was floating on air as I walked back to my classes. But then, I heard a loud bang. I looked around. People started screaming and yelling and running away. Then I head another bang, and saw bodies falling to the group, and blood pouring from them. I tried to run. So many people were getting shot. Right infront of my eyes, my best friend Roger got shot. I ran over to him and grabbed his hand, pleading for him not to die. Then I saw something bulky in his jacket pocket. I look. It was a gun.

"Hey, Ezra." I had looked up terrified. The gun was pointed at me. "This is for stealing my girlfriend from me." Rebecca. Five months ago, Rebecca Harson fell in love with me and left Quinten Stevens. I knew she had left Quinten for me. But I didn't stop her. I dated her for three months before she died in a car wreck. Which obviously has sent Quinten into heartbroken rage over the loss of Becca. Me on the other hand got out of the relationship with only a few cuts and bruises to my heart. I wasn't inlove with her like Quinten was. His was spilt wide open and he knew I got off easy with my pain. And so when he went shooting up the college, he shot everyone he had a problem with. Anyone who brought him pain. And I was top on his list. He was about to pull the trigger. He had killed so many people and would have killed so many more. I pull the gun from Roger's pocket and point it at him. "Put the gun -" He pulls the trigger. But he misses. He's tackled by someone behind him. It hits the person behind me. He shoots again. This time it does hit me. In the arm. I aim the gun the best I can and shot. It hits Quinten. And he dies instantly. 

The case was taken to court. And the jury decided I wasn't guilty of murder. It was self defense. And so I shouldn't feel guilty, right? I only shot him because he would've shot me and others. So then why do I feel guilty? Because if it weren't for me taking Becca from him, he would've felt the need to kill anyone. And the three teachers and four students who were killed would be alive. My best friend at the time, the one with the gun in his pocket, had the gun because he was going to help with the shooting. Help kill me. I was the one who let on that his mother was having an affair, and I was the reason his dad divorced his mom which ruined his life. So needless to say I lost a huge chunk of my heart that day. I forced Aria to leave me. I couldn't bring her down with my depression. I was dark. I killed a man. I was the reason people died. And I was diagnosed with cancer. I can't justify the things I did. Which is why I couldn't justify letting Aria stay with me and be ruined by my ruined life. 

I'm going to die now. And I'm going to die without Aria in my life. I'm disappearing. Without her even knowing. Because to her I'm already gone. To her I'm dead. And even if I live through this, I will still be dead to her. And I will never fall in love again. So I will be dead to most of the world. 

*****

"I'm on a lot of drugs." I say into the phone. I dialed Aria's number and, of course, got voicemail. "I"m on a crud load of stuff." I continue. "So you might think I'm crazy. And I'm not. I'm just on drugs. But not the bad drugs. The pain meds from the surgery. But I just had a quick question. Do all good girls go to heaven? Because I would feel a lot better, and it would make for an easier death if I knew that when you die, you'll get to go to heaven." I start to cry. "I know it's too late for me to get to go to heaven but you should still be able to. Even though I ruined you. Because you don't deserve hell. It's awful. I'm in it. And I'm telling you, it's awful. Stay out of it Aria. Stay away from me. You cannot follow me to hell. You stay away." I begin to choke on my words and the monitor beeps that my pulse is rising. "I'm sorry Aria for all I did, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was a bad person. And I would shout it to the entire world if it would make a difference but it won't. I'm going to die. And I know to you I'm already dead. And I'm sorry." Nurses come in wondering why my monitors are so high. "Bye Aria." I hang up and close my eyes. And I fall asleep. 

Sorry it's been so long! I didn't think anyone was reading so I stopped uploading. But I shall continue