Unrequited

Realize-Colbie Caillat

Realize-Colbie Caillat (12)

BUT IT’S NOT ALL THE SAME. NO. IT’S NEVER THE SAME—IF YOU DON’T FEEL IT, TOO. IF YOU MEET ME HALFWAY, IF YOU WOULD MEET ME HALFWAY…IT COULD BE THE SAME FOR YOU.

This is once again, if I could stop myself from writing Matt, will be all Beatrice. This is her voice so don’t be confused. I haven’t quite mastered making the two different. But if you think those two voices are different, please comment. You will make my day complete. –Katherine.

-

Alright, day one was back to normal—almost. Ever since practicing back in my house started again, I felt as if we’ve gone into another complication I am completely unaware of. We’re rehearsing, yes, every time we could. We spend all this time together yet I feel as if we’re not together.

I’m trying hard to concentrate but with him a few feet away, I don’t think I can.

“But I can’t spell it out for you,” it was meant to be a whisper as I started remembering this song I used to sing a lot when I was alone in the house. “No. It’s never going to be that simple.”

“No I can’t spell it out for you.”

I looked at him and wondered is what I think I was really feeling…is what he’s been feeling all this time. My hands were on the keys but I can barely move.

What is this? I wanted to ask aloud but we were frozen.

Matt was not smiling. I wasn’t smiling. We weren’t moving. To break the ice, I cleared my throat and started to play but I didn’t know what I was going to play. Was I supposed to play the song we were singing just now or something else entirely to get the tension out?

I smiled at the sudden thought and started playing Casper, the friendly ghost and heard him laugh a bit. That certainly got the tension off the roof. We talked songs again and I guess whatever song it was we have planned on singing for the competition went out the window the moment we started getting weird and trying not to be weird around each other.

“Hey, Matt,” I called over my shoulder.

“What?”

“What song are we going to play?” I asked and he shrugged.

“What do you want to say?”

I sighed and remembered what I signed up for. Releasing those feelings had been done; stupidity, betrayal, pain…I am so done with that thanks to him. “I think I’m not that heart broken anymore,” I laughed but it didn’t sound right. This moment was closure, I guess.

He lied when he said ‘I love you.’ He didn’t mean it when I thought he did. But did he know that I do? Well not anymore, I don’t. I’m looking good. I’m really fine. I’m really over you. I’m going to shine.

I wrote that on my journal this morning and I thought I was just writing poetry. But maybe I’ve written a song without intending to.

“B…?”

“Huh?” I wasn’t paying attention! What was he saying?

“What do you think of ‘More than Words’?” He suggests and I smiled. “If you want, I mean, since you’re claiming you’re over your perfect Keith—”

“Shut up, Matt and play the song,” and this time when I laughed, I meant it. And it felt right.

-

I know I was falling. I know that he said that if I fall, he’d catch me. But what if he doesn’t?

I trust Matt completely and I’ve noticed the little hints of an actual connection—the one you can’t turn your back on. We have that. I know that. And I seriously doubt he doesn’t. But you know that when you like a person, you tend to still weigh the obvious or overdo the thinking or be too confident.

I sighed. Hold on—

I really like Matt, don’t I? I asked myself and unconsciously nodded. Here I am, lying on my bed, staring at my ceiling, listening to Ed Sheeran and I’m not writing on my red leather notebook.

I contemplated calling him. But that would be weird—or maybe not, depending on what I’m going to say. This competition is not going to be easy and I’m not talking about the jittery feelings or the other contestants. I’m talking about the span of time and the complications and the-not-started-yet-somehow-unfinished confrontations.

I sighed again.

I remember Nathan telling me he loves me, more than what we are. And then I remember him forgetting all about it when he started liking her. I remember that day I almost told him—

And how did I handle that?

I set him up with her!

I am over this. But I can remember what it was like and how I felt. What if I hurt him? Matt, not Nathan…

What if it turns out that I’m not over Nathan? What if I end up leaning on Matt too much? He’d get tired, probably. He can be this rebound guy, which I wouldn’t want, because Matt is too important to lose or hurt or even—

Before I could finish the thought, I was fast asleep, waking up to countdown five.

-

Matt picked me up but we weren’t talking. My mind was going overdrive. Did something happen yesterday that I forgot? Did I do something wrong? What day is it? Is he mad? Am I mad? What happened?

“Beatrice,”

Uh-oh, whenever he uses my full name, it’s serious. “Yes?”

“Let me guess; you didn’t sleep at all, did you?”

I shook my head eagerly which really meant he was right. “No.” I resigned and he smiled. No more than seconds I was smiling too and the joggle in my mind stopped.

“I’ve been listening to this band. You know, He is We? Well, I’ve come across their song with Owl Cityand thought that maybe it would be better if we went with it than More than Words.”

“Does it sound more like us than the latter?”

Matt grinned and surprisingly, we were parking in the school lot. “The song is—drum roll please—All about Us. It’s a good song and I think you’ve heard it.”

“I see what you did there,” I said and I began scanning my brain for some lyrics or the title and ended up realizing that I did know it. “I heard the 2010 version and I’ll make sure to listen to what I think is the 2011 version.”

“Good,” he sighs and opens his door. I do the same and get out. “You have like twenty minutes to do that.” He walks towards the entrance but stops and turns to me. “B?”

I didn’t actually notice myself stuck on the ground staring at him like an idiot. Shaking my head wildly as if I was drying my already die hair. I heard a low chuckle from him and I hid a small smile before coming quickly to him.

“We do have band practice during lunch so those twenty minutes better be used wisely. Class starts in two minutes so pull out your phone. I have a sheet of lyrics in my locker already and I’ve memorized the chords last night—”

Absentmindedly, I took his hand. I wasn’t looking at him but I know that he was. I just kept staring at the school to stop myself from blushing and giggling. I liked Matt—as a friend, as my saviour, as my partner in crime. I liked him but I’m not putting a period to that yet.

There were many things I’m still unsure of and this hand-holding thing is one of them. But when he broke into a shy smile, I knew I made one good decision. Realize, realize, realize…