thoughts about you.

하지마 (Don't do it)

[Not a poem]

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"You know you shouldn't be doing this," I whisper to myself.

The darkness of my apartment encapsulates me as I lean in closer to my laptop screen. I begin to bite my lip as the growing feeling of uneasiness fills my stomach. I only feel this when I know I am about do to something I shouldn't be doing.

But I can't help it.

I have to know.

As much as I have taken measures to not know, I must know.

My right hand reaches for the mouse and I focus the mouse pointer onto the search box and click. The text cursor blinks upon the screen. My hands tremble as they hover over the keyboard.

"You shouldn't be doing this."

I begin to type his name. With every key press, the uneasy feeling grows inside of me, leading me to the point of feeling nauseous. After the last key press, his name stares back at me, taunting to press enter.

"Don't do this. You've worked so hard to get to this point," the little voice in my head whispers.

"But you want to know how he's doing. What he's doing?" Another voice erupts form the abyss, much louder than the former.

"The whole reasons you removed him from all social media was not to see this. THAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT. Why are you doing this to yourself?"

"I don't know."