Nothing to Lose (BWWM)

Thirty

In the beginning, the visits were everyday.

Each evening, she left the bedroom door open and at around the same time every day, Vincent would come in. He would lay with her and she would hold him.

Some days he would speak and sometimes he wouldn't. Either way, Imani enjoyed the time it gave her to see him as he was nowhere to be found in the day. He had taken time off work and at first, there head been rumours spread around the office. But when they found out that Lily-Ann had died, they understood his absence.

Imani missed him.

She missed him a lot.

It felt horrible knowing that although she was trying everything that she could, it wasn't enough. It was nowhere near being enough.

It seemed as if he was getting worse everyday.

His eyes were bloodshot, hair always messy and Imani could always smell a faint amount of alcohol on his breath. The scent would become stronger with each day.

It killed her to see him in that state.

Feeling him cry in her arms tore her apart. And when she woke up to him gone, it felt as if he had taken those shredded pieces of her heart and gone with them.

But then the visits came less and less.

She would wait and wait for him. All night her eyes would be wide open as she watched the door, waiting patiently for his arrival.

She couldn't focus at work. Her mind was always with Vincent.

Even Melisa was noticing that she wasn't the same. And one conversation that they had had led Imani to an epiphany.

"Imani, are you okay?"

Shaking herself out of her day dream, the smaller woman smiled up at Melisa. She couldn't help but notice that the smile didn't quite reach her eyes. "Yeah, I'm great." Her eyes were red, the bags underneath them were a major sign of her fatigue. She was the furthest thing from 'great'.

Melisa sighed and sat down on the desk in front of Imani. "You're thinking about Vincent."

Imani tried. She tried hard to keep up the smile she had plastered on her face for the past month since Lily-Ann's death but she couldn't anymore.

Seeing her friend's face twist, Melisa pulled her up and hurried her into Vincent's office, locking it behind her. When she turned back around, Imani's hair was like a dark curtain over her face as she held her head in her hands.

"Sweetheart." Melissa cooed, walking towards her and hugging her.

"For the first time in a long time, I don't know what to do." She admitted. "I know Vincent's steps. I know everything that has to be done before anyone can write it down. Melisa, I don't know what to do." She said, her voice cracking.

Melisa lovingly stroked her back as she cried. "I'm scared for Vincent." Imani continued.

"He's a brave guy."

"Yes, but he's broken right now and I'm trying. Lord knows I'm trying to fix him but it's not working and I'm-I'm scared that he might do something to himself."

"Imani, look at me."

She lifted her head and peered up into her friends' eyes.

"You love him, don't you?"

Imani opened her mouth to answer her with a quick denial but the words wouldn't escape her throat.

She couldn't deny what was the truth.

"Yes," was her reply. "I do love him and I don't want to lose him. I feel helpless. He's about to spiral down into this bleak hole of sadness and believe me, it's not a nice place to be."

Imani knew that place all too well. From her brother's death, that dark cloud had been with her for a long time. Although LJ had been the light that helped her out, it was a place she never wished to return to. And she would never wish that place upon her worst enemy.

"I feel like I can't do anything to stop him from going there."

"Imani, Vincent needs to grieve. And although you may want to be there with him along that journey, he's gonna need to do some of it on his own."

She nodded in understanding, the realisation that she had to give him that time and space stinging her to the core. "I know you miss him." Melisa continued and Imani bit her lip as she nodded.

"A hell of a lot." She grabbed a tissue and started to wipe her eyes. "LJ misses him too. He's always asking where he is and I can't say anything because I don't know myself."

During the days where he used to come back often, whenever LJ would ask Imani "is Vincent coming tomorrow?" She was able to answer with a yes. But nowadays, she didn't know.

"Well the funeral is in two weeks, I highly doubt that Vincent will miss that so you'll see him then, right?" Melisa said, trying to reassure her.

"I hope I do."


The day of the funeral came quickly and as well as being distraught, Imani was anxious to see Vincent. She hadn't seen him in two weeks.

Doing LJ's tie, Imani stared longingly at the door, praying that he would walk through at any moment.

But he didn't.

He didn't walk through the door when she looked at it before leaving. He didn't pull up around the corner when the car was leaving the driveway and he didn't show up when Lily-Ann's body was being placed in the ground.



Vincent felt as if the light in his life had been taken with her as she was lowered and buried.

He seemed to have ran out of tears.

Over the past month, day in, day out, he had done nothing but drown his sorrows in glasses of bourbon. Then like clockwork, he would go back to his house, lay with Imani and cry as she held him. Then he would leave before she woke up, only to repeat the entire process again.

He couldn't let her get even closer than she already was.

He was screwed up.

And now that Lily-Ann was gone, there was no one that could make him a better person.

The better person that he so badly wanted to be for Imani.

Vincent had been at the cemetery early. He was first to arrive and had hid, not wanting his presence to be known.

In the morning, he told himself that he would attend and sit with everybody else. He got dressed, prepared to go and pick up Imani then as he sat in the car ready to go, he realised he couldn't go through with it.

He couldn't face her.

Yet he couldn't take his eyes off her as she stood in the front row, holding Luke Junior close to her. Her tear-streaked face and her shaking hands did nothing to help Vincent want to stay where he was. He wanted to comfort her like she had comforted him but at the same time he didn't want to face her. It was a complication situation he had gotten himself into.

"Is there a reason why you're back here when the funeral was over there?"

Vincent jumped at the sound of the voice but scowled when he saw that it was Giovanni. Since Vincent's outburst at the hospital, Giovanni had been trying and trying to reach his son but to no avail.

"Is there a reason why you're here with me? Don't you have a child to look after?"

Giovanni sighed brokenly, watching as Vincent turned away as everyone dispersed. "Why are you hiding, son? Every body out there loved your mother. They can help you. They understand."

Laughing dryly, Vincent shook his head. "The only thing anybody out there understands is how not to be a loyal family member. None of them care."

The older man paused, approaching him cautiously. "Even Imani?"

Without realising, Vincent clenched his fists. "Don't you dare mention her name."

"But she does care. She cared about Lily-Ann and she most definitely cares about you. More than you know." He said gently, watching a range of emotions flash across his son's face. Rage, hurt and regret. "Why are you hiding? You hide from the family and now you hide from Imani? Lily-Ann never wanted this from you."

Whirling around, Vincent resisted the urge to punch his father in the face. "And how the hell would you know what she wanted? Huh?" He exclaimed. "You were never there for her towards the end. You never even loved her."

"I will not let you talk about my feelings for your mother like that. You can think whatever you want to but you do not know the entire story-."

"What more do I need to know? You cheated on her whilst she had cancer and you didn't even have the decency to hide your mistress? You flaunted her and your bastard child around forgetting that you have - excuse me - had a wife and child already."

Giovanni had had enough. "You do not understand! And until you do - you will continue to see things in the distorted way that you have been for the past 10 years." Again, Vincent snorted at the comment. "Vincent I love your mother. She will always be in my heart-."

"Save me the bullshit, Giovanni."

Huffing, Giovanni shook his head just as Vincent's gaze went over his fathers' shoulder and a look of panic marred his features. "What is it? What are you-." Giovanni asked, turning his head to look for whatever it was that had caught his eye.

It was just Imani.

"Oh, it's only Ima- Vincent?" By the time he had faced his son again, the troubled young man was nowhere to be found.

Imani tapped Giovanni's shoulder and he hugged her politely. "Was that Vincent you were speaking to?"

"Uh, yes. I don't know where exactly he has gone off to, dolcezza. I wish I could tell you."

She nodded, clearly hurt by him avoiding her. "Is he... Is he alright?"

Giovanni smiled weakly. "He's hurting. And when Vincent is hurting, he pushes everyone away." He told her as she nodded. "My son loves you, Imani. It may take him time to come to terms with it but he does."

As good as the words sounded to her ears, she wanted to hear them from his lips. From his tongue. With his velvet voice.

"Thanks, Giovanni."

Giving her another warm hug, he walked away, leaving her in the cold with her thoughts.

She didn't know what it was but she suddenly felt her heart start beating faster, the hairs on the back of her neck rising. This time it wasn't because of the icy weather.

Looking around, she searched for him. Only he could make her feel that way with just his presence.

When their eyes locked, she let out a breath she wasn't even aware that she had been holding.

He looked broken. She wanted to piece him back together but she knew he would reject her.

Imani gave him a gentle smile, waving her fingers slightly at him.

He did the same back, making her heart swell.

Damn, she really did miss him.

"Mom! Grandma said she wants to talk to you quickly." LJ said, running up to her. "You okay?"

"Yeah honey, let's go to Grandma."

As they walked away, she glanced over her shoulder hoping to see Vincent again but when she did - he was gone.

And Imani knew that wherever Vincent had gone, he had taken her heart with him.