Looking Through Me | Attack on Titan Fan Fiction

Chapter 8: Time Flies

It had been nearly two days. Armin hadn't returned, and our group was growing increasingly worried for him. Maybe he was found, captured, or just murdered out of sheer horrid luck by a psychotic person on the streets. Either way, it was past the date that he set for his return, and our hope was fading. Well, mine wasn't, but Eren and Mikasa's hope for me was diminishing.

The blood poisoning had finally kicked in, and I was sleeping nearly all the time: twenty hours a day. When I was awake, I felt dead. My skin was pale and grey, nearly translucent. It was always covered in a thin layer of sweat, and my face looked gaunt and sickly. I'd developed a fever in the night of the second day, and Eren tried tending to me and putting cold cloths on my forehead, but it did little to help. I always felt freezing, and bundled myself in blankets like a triple-wrapped burrito, but when Eren came in he'd always unwrap me because I was roasting. Burning up. I refused to eat, partially because I didn't have enough energy to even move my hand to my mouth; but even when Eren tried feeding me bread or trying to give me water, I moved my head away from him and resisted. I had no appetite. Mikasa tried to converse with me, but I felt so...exhausted. When I took breaths, they were deep and long, shallow and and rattling. I never really talked. It took so much energy... Energy that I just didn't have. I became unresponsive.

Most of all, I lost my sense of time. I was thrown into limbo, and seconds seemed like years. Sometimes, it felt like hours between visits from Eren and Mikasa, but other times it felt like a millennium. All time was reversed, forwarded, or paused. Nothing felt normal. Had I been here for years?

Right now, Mikasa was trying her hardest to talk to me. "Jen? Please, answer me. You haven't said anything for two days."

My head rolled to her, and I took a deep inhale. Her hand gently squeezed my own, and I looked away with another wheezing breath. Mikasa's grip loosened, and her head fell forward. "You're scaring us. Please, say anything. Doesn't have to be a lot."

I glanced at the ceiling, counting the number of scratches in the rocks, and the different shapes that the nicks and dents could form. Like before, I knew I was going to die. Eren came in the first evening and told me about the blood infection. I had to tell him that I already knew, and he apologized again. The thought of looming death... It should've scared me, but all the fear, anxiety, and anger melted away.

I opened my mouth, bored out of my mind. My lips moved, and Mikasa leaned forward. I spoke a few silent words before sound came out of my parched throat, and my voice came softly and quietly.

"It's not worth it, it's not workin'... You wanted it to be picture perfect... It's not over... You don't have to throw it away..." I whispered.

"Jennika?" Mikasa whispered back, but I continued.



So scream if you wanna,

Shout if you need,

Just let it go,

Take it out on me

Fight if you need to,

Smash if it helps you

Get control...



"Jen, what are you singing?" Mikasa asked.

I closed my mouth, the melody stopping. I closed my eyes, and tried to go back to sleep. Mikasa slumped in her seat, and stood up after another failed attempt. All I was waiting for was the Grim Reaper. All that I sung was my last lament.

Once again, I lost track of time. You'd expect me to get bored, but everything just...faded. I didn't care, and even the boredom seemed like a new thing every moment. There was nothing that couldn't have entertained me.

Another year passed by, I thought. No one came in. Not even that boy... Whatever his name was. Not that I needed to know. The girl didn't either. Now that I thought about it, wasn't this that girl's fault? No, it couldn't have been... It was mine. All mine. Like always.

I closed my eyes after what I thought was a week, and stopped breathing. I felt my heartbeat slow, and could no longer hear the blood pound in my ears. My systems began to shut down, and I felt calm and accepting.

The end, I thought, it's finally come.



"MIKASA!" someone yelled. "ARMIN'S BACK!"

The boy ran into the room, from what I heard. I was so tired, I couldn't even open my eyes... All I did was listen.

He ran beside me, another boy right behind him. A third person came, and I opened my eyes only a quarter. The blonde one set down tons of bottles and fabric, and I felt someone grab my jaw. They opened my mouth, and tucked something soft inside...like a cloud.

The brunette boy looked at me, his hands on my cheeks to keep me from looking anywheres else. "I'm sorry, but I have to break my promise. The pain hasn't ended yet. Just a few minutes and it'll be over for good."

Pain... Something about that word gave me an inkling. Why was it so important? Did I hate or love it? Was it someone I knew?

"Now," the blonde boy said.

He pushed a wet cloth onto my hip, and my eyes snapped open. I remembered... Pain was my worst enemy. It scalded my side, and wracked my body. I screamed, and arched my back. Someone pushed me back down forcibly and closed my mouth.

"Bite on it, Jen!" the girl commanded.

The blonde boy's eyes were wide as he pressed his fingers into the raw muscle of my side and spread around the molten liquid that seared my nervous system and froze the deepest parts of my heart.

"Almost..." he groaned, and I bit on the cloth harder.

Tears rushed down my cheeks, and I felt warm blood gush down my side. Armin... What was he doing? What were Mikasa and Eren doing? Why wouldn't the pain stop?

I felt my limbs go numb from the pain, and I became limp. There was too much for me to handle. With one final scream, all I saw was Eren's blood-soaked front as I blacked out.



I remembered it all. Their faces, their names. Their past. And mine too. Rick, and Rachel. The look on her face as she left... The image came back to me and pierced my heart. Then I remembered the show...my favourite one. The one with the Titans. I got taken into it somehow, and I fell asleep. I could recall all the memories of everything that happened, and it was like my mind exploded.

I was almost eaten. I was accused of heresy, then taken outside Wall Rose, where my friends taught me how to fight. I was stupid and didn't practice caution, and an Abnormal Titan almost ate me. I crashed into Mikasa who had come to save me, and got a blade in my side. From there, time flew away from me, and then...the pain. I blacked out, didn't I? It was better than facing the horrible feeling of looming dread and anxiety.

Was I even still alive? Right now...I didn't know where I was. I guess it would've been safe to say that I was lost, somewhere in the depths of my mind where insanity was imminent and recollections of life were distant.

If I listened hard enough, could I hear them? Would I see them again? I cleared my mind, and tried to enter new thoughts. Go back to reality. Back to where you belong!

"Jennika!"

I gasped, and I felt the bright light roast my pupils as my eyes opened. All I saw was flashes of light and colour, until my eyes adjusted and I blinked repeatedly. The stone walls, the ceiling, the soft bunk. I was back.

First order of business, I was absolutely boiling. The sheets tucked up to my neck nearly suffocated me. My hazel eyes darted over to the silhouette of the person that stood next to me, and I squinted to see them through the light.

"Eren...?" I questioned.

A grin broke out on his face, and he lowered his face nearly next to mine. "You're back!"

I quirked my brow. "I never left."

The smile widened, and his green eyes sparkled. "It was quiet without you. How're you feeling?"

"Hot. Mind taking these sheets off me, please?"

Eren grabbed them, and ripped them off of me, setting them on the bunk behind him. I saw the splats of dried blood, and I cringed and looked away.

"Oh, sorry. I forgot how much you hate blood...and pain...and basically anything negative," Eren joked. "I'll clean them later—or burn them. Whichever's faster and easier."

I smiled. "I'd go with washing them. The people inside the Walls hate us enough already."

He pulled up a chair, and sat next to me. "Armin came back. He got the antibiotics, and said that he only saw Jean, who was on his tail the whole time. Barely got out without being noticed." Eren sighed. "After we applied the antibiotics, your fever went down overnight. You're not bundled in blankets, and you don't look as pale. Are you hungry?"

I thought for a moment. "Depends."

"On what?"

"Is all we have jerky and stale bread?"

He chuckled. "Of course not. Today, we have a roast chicken and melted cheese over mashed potatoes for the queen of picky eaters."

I pouted. "You're so mean!" It melted away, and I couldn't keep a straight face. "Now that you mention it, I am. How about after breakfast, we continue training?"

Eren's happiness disappeared. "What the hell are you talking about? You aren't even in any condition to walk or sit up. Take it slow, okay?"

I scowled. "I'm sorry Eren, but I'm gonna have to say no. We lost nearly five days, and I can't waste more. I'm doing this."

"Jennika!" Eren exclaimed exasperatedly.

"How about I learn about Titans from Armin? Note taking. No bodily stress," I offered.

He shot me a quizzical look, and thought for a moment. I gave him my best puppy eyes, and whispered, "Eren?" in the most innocent voice I could muster.

He glanced at me, and I whispered again, "Come closer."

Eren leaned down, but I coaxed, "Closer."

He leaned down more, until his face was inches from mine. I lifted myself up a bit, and placed my cheek nearly against his, whispering in his ear, "Please. Let me train."

Eren straightened back up, blush on his cheeks. He rubbed the back of his head, and looked away. "Fine. But nothing physical, hear me?"

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, dad. Now will you please help me downstairs to Armin?"

"Why can't Armin come here?"

"Because I want to move around," I said.

So, he slung my arm over his shoulders, and slowly helped me sit up. Once I was sitting, he got me standing. I almost passed out, but held it back and shook off the daze. From there, we carefully walked downstairs. Every time I took a step with my right leg, a wave of pain went through my side but I ignored it.

When I thought about it, my side didn't hurt as much as it probably should have. "Hey Eren, why isn't my side still...ya know, hurting as much as it should?"

He smirked a little. "Because Armin made some sort of waxy-cream stuff when he was in the Walls. It almost pushed him past the time limit, and was almost late. You almost passed because he took his sweet time," Eren said darkly. "I almost strangled him after."

I laughed, but stopped when it made my side throb. "So where is this magic serum now?"

"Probably in his back pocket."

We didn't say much more. It was a good five-minute walk after that, which is awhile if you think about it. When we got to the main hall, Armin and Mikasa were having a conversation. When they saw me, they ran over like I was their present on Christmas morning.

"Jen! How are you feeling?" Armin asked, and I couldn't ignore that he kept looking to my hip where my messy bandages stuck out.

"Great. You?"

"Better, now that I know you're gonna be fine." He laughed.

"It's thanks to you. I want to thank you, Armin, for going so far out of your way to get me antibiotics," I said sincerely.

Armin looked a little taken aback, and his cheeks tinged pink. "N-No problem."

"Mikasa?"

She turned to me. "Thank you so much for coming to save me. Especially so quickly! I could never move that fast." I laughed.

Mikasa looked down, her coal eyes shiny. "Forgive me, please. I didn't mean to..."

"Forget about it," I interrupted, "I'm fine now. No harm done!"

The corners of her mouth twitched, and she patted my shoulder. "I need to go take watch again. Stay out of harm's way."

I nodded, and turned back to Armin. "Hey, could you do me a favour?"

"H-Huh? Yeah, sure! Anything!" he said immediately, too quick to even believe that he was listening.

"Please teach me about Titans."

"Eh?"

Eren laughed, and I smiled. "At least until I can stand on my own. Please, Armin?" I flashed my puppy eyes again.

His blush deepened, and he looked away, much like Eren had. "Okay. Eren, bring her here and I'll start."

On the other side of the room was a chalkboard, and Eren guided us to it. He pulled out a chair, and I sat down, ready to listen to my new teacher.

"Be back later." Eren waved, and exited.

I gave Armin my undivided attention, and folded my hands. "Good morning, Mr. Arlert," I said monotonously like every other high school student.

He grinned. "Now we'll begin."