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"if we suspect anything, considering you and that missing boy, you will not be released this soon," the gravelly voice cut through phil's mind, and he just nodded lightly, staring at the floor. from the corner of his eye, he could see the disappointed expression on dan's mother's face and the pure resentful and frustrated on dan's father. he stayed silent, not really paying attention to the police officer instructing him to stay out of trouble and inform if he knew anything about dan, warning him multiple times that if they find any proof against phil, this will be the last time he will be seeing the world outside of the jail cubicle.

twenty minutes later, phil was on the pavement, dragging his feet weakly at a slow pace. he had no idea what to do. his eyes were still burning, hands shaking and hair choppy, sweeping across his forehead. his body felt lethargic, and he did not know how he was even able to walk. his mind was overflowing with thoughts, but was blank at the same time and his heart was screaming at him to get back to dan, find the comfort that he had been craving in his caramel irises, but his brain refused the idea.

he didn't know if he wanted to go back to dan.

being trapped in the plastered room for eight days caused phil's brain to go haywire and his reasoning irrational. the first few days were of incompetence, like his body could not function without dan, without his soothing voice and soft hands.

but as the days followed, his heart died down, and the paranoia hit him again and again, irregularly and forcefully, and he came to an indefinite conclusion to let dan go. to part ways with dan and get away from all the trouble that came along with him and maybe if phil left him, dan would be able to question his sexuality, rephrase it and please his parents. maybe he could get married and have kids one day, with a person that wasn't  phil and maybe phil could move on from the self-consuming love that was reciprocated between them. maybe that was the only way they both could be happy.

in is screwed up mind, it made sense to him but he wasn't sure if he could stay put on the decision once he saw dan's dimpled smile and his golden skin.

he shook the thought out of his head, continuing the painfully slow walk towards his apartment, his legs feeling like they could crumble any moment if he continued moving. his empty stomach was growling and he could feel bile rising in his throat every other moment. phil's eyes landed over the surroundings, noticing the slight dusting of snow across the pavements and the roads. it was extremely cold, the air nipping at phil's skin but he was too far gone to notice.

after ten minutes, phil could see the familiar building, his vision blurring slightly and he felt sick. he ignored the twisting deep inside his stomach and proceeded to climb up the stairs, pushing open the door of his apartment before a sharp pain was shooting through his head. the place reminded him too much of the brown haired boy, and the memories were like daggers thrown at his brain. a part of his mind was shouting at him to get back to dan, but the smaller foolish and anxious part told him to get away from him.

he was torn between his thoughts, and his throat was closing up. his head ached and his movements were shaky as he shut the apartment door and leaned against it.

he will have to let dan go.

--

this is slightly painful to write