Lost In Our Desires

You're Not Real

Him.

I didn't recognize who I saw in the mirror. This person was a stranger. His cheeks were sunken in with sharpened cheekbones to match. I didn't think my shirt always hung off my shoulders the way it did right then. I couldn't remember the last time I got a haircut. It started to get in my eyes. This person in front of me looked sickly, disgusting. I sighed and returned to my room.

You can't keep doing this to yourself. Eat something.

"I'm not hungry. Go away." She always did this, act like she's my mother.

I can't.

"Why not?" But I knew why.

As long as you're thinking of me, I'll be here.

"You're not real."

You're not crazy.

"Just stop! Stop it! Shut up! Leave me alone!" I couldn't help but bang on my head as if it would make Jasmine disappear. She did. That doesn't mean she didn't ever come back.

That was the beginning. Seeing her lying next to me when I woke up in the morning was normal. I stopped telling her go to away because I realized she helped me. Or I helped myself, I don't know. But seeing her and talking to her helped me with my depression. It was like she was ridding me of all the bad and making me feel good. Sometimes I even saw Mum-Mum. She'd ask me how I was doing and I'd ask her if she was happy now and she'd tell me that what she did was the best decision of her life and that I should do the same. I thought about it at first but it was Jasmine that kept me grounded.

I guess I was so delirious I couldn't tell when I was talking to the imaginary her and the real her.

Her.

I sat in his drive way for a while. I couldn't help but wonder if it's even worth it. I spent months knocking on his door every day and he never came. Why would he come now? He isn't allowed to just leave me. I was there for him all this time, patiently waiting for him to open up to me so that I could be there for him. He owed me then more than ever.

I felt weird knocking on his door. I used to just walk in as if I lived there which for a while, I pretty much did. I heard movement coming from inside and it felt like something was sucking all the air out of my body when the door swung open.

"You're early-oh Jasmine. I thought you were someone else." Mrs. O'Brien stood in front of me in a dress you'd wear out on a date. I guessed that was who she was expecting, her date. It didn't surprise me that she, being a married woman, would cheat.

"Hi. Is Dylan here?" I never did like her. She was fake. She was nice and smiles in front of me but I knew the real her.

"Well I'm not sure. Why don't you come in and find out." She smiled as she opened the door wider for me to walk in.

She didn't even know if her own son was home. Wow.

The walk up the stairs felt like hours. Each step was another risk.

The first step. What if he isn't home? The second step. What if he is? The third step. What if he doesn't want to see me? The fourth step. What will I say? The fifth step. What will he say? By the time I reached the top step I convinced myself that I should just turn and leave and I was but then I heard him. He was laughing. I got close enough to the door to hear him saying "I like it here. Yes. No I don't. Just because you did doesn't mean I have to. Yeah I know. I love you too." At first I thought he was talking to himself but it sounds like he was having a conversation. I didn't hear anyone respond so he must've been on the phone. Who could he be saying 'I love you' to? Then it hit me. It was his girlfriend. It had to be. There isn't any other explanation. He must've started dating her after what happened between us because he never talked about girls to me. I was pressed up against the door listening but when the realization hit me I sort of just let myself fall against the door, stunned. I didn't realize the door wasn't fully closed because one second I was in the hallway and the next I was on the floor in front of his bed, looking up at him but he doesn't seem surprised.