Lost In Our Desires

An Adventure

Him.

That night made me realize how in love with her I was. I was so in love with her, I let her go. I know she hates me. Hell, I hate myself but if she found out she would lose it. I knew she loved me. Maybe not the way I loved her but that wasn't the point. The point was that I wasn't going to put her through the shit I've been through. The pain of losing someone like this was a whole lot better than what she would've had coming.

I looked forward to summers because avoiding her was easy. Sure she came by my house a few times a week hoping I'd come around but I never did. I would let her knock on my front door for what felt like hours before she'd give up and return the next day, hoping for better luck. Usually my parents weren't around anyways to answer for me. Dad was usually on some business trip at god knows where while my mom was out at some bar with god knows who. They hated each other. I never understood why they got married. They had nothing in common. The only thing I can think of that they agreed on was me. They both hate me. When I first realized this I thought it was the greatest thing ever. I was able to go wherever I wanted, when I wanted and they wouldn't even bother asking where I've been. Soon after all the fun it really hit me. They don't care about what happens to me. They don't care if I had come home crying or beat up. The only time they acknowledge me is when they are arguing and need someone to let their anger out on.

I still don't know why they decided our home in New York wasn't good enough. I came home from school one day to a loading truck outside our house and my dad handed me one box, one fucking box and said, "Fit what you can because we're leaving in an hour." And that was that. I had only one box to fit my clothes, my toys, my blankets, my books, everything. The rest I had to leave behind. Not like there was much to begin with.

Even after all the shit my parents put me through, I was never as mad at them as I was that day. I didn't have parents who cared for me but I did have my friends and I was leaving them behind too. Going someplace new meant new people, people who don't give a shit who you are. I'd be starting fresh. Back to having absolutely no one who cares for me. I'd just have myself.

I thought that moving to Pennsylvania would've been the worst thing to ever happen to me but instead it was the best. It's ironic because the day we moved in was July 4th and of course next door was Jasmine's aunt throwing a party. My parents must've seen it as an opportunity for free booze because otherwise they would've pretended our neighbors never existed, so they dragged me over there in my nicest outfit. They were strangers, smiling and patting me on the back as they introduced me. I'm surprised they remembered I even had a name. They must've been pretty convincing because Melia, Jasmine's aunt, smiled and invited us in as if we were family.

She introduced me to her sons, Dallas and Dylan, who were both kind, asking me if I wanted to go for a swim in their pool but I turned the offer down. I wasn't in the mood to play. I was still pissed off that my parents gave me one box and zero changes to give the only people who ever cared for me a goodbye.

Their yard was full of people standing around drinking, singing and dancing to music. Being surrounded by all of these strangers and such little space caused me to have a panic attack. When having a panic attack you feel a shortness of breath or hyperventilation, heart palpitations or a racing heart, chest pain or discomfort, trembling or shaking, choking feeling and/or a feeling unreal or detached from your surroundings. I've had so many panic attacks I knew how to handle them. Back behind the houses in the neighborhood was woods, miles and miles of woods. That was one thing that I loved about Pennsylvania. Depending on where you lived, your backward could be an adventure. Getting away from the crowd was my best option and to find something to get my mind off of the matter.

The woods behind the house were extraordinary, so green and full of life. There were trails that lead you left and ride and by the looks of it, they were made by others before me just looking to get away. I followed one for about twenty minutes till it led me to a clearing. There were railroad tracks. I decided to follow those and see where they'd lead me. Walking alongside the tracks I took everything in. In New York, you didn't have places like this you could enjoy. This was all very new for me. On the right of me, there were trees. On the left of me, there were trees. And ahead of me, there was an adventure.