Lost In Our Desires

Memories

Her.

Falling in love with him was like driving for the first time. One day, you can't and then the next they just hand you the keys and expect you to 'drive.' You drive slowly with caution because you honestly have no idea what you are doing. The first few times driving you have this knot in your stomach you can't shake off because everything is still very new and you don't know whether to be excited or scared. You get to a stop sign and think to yourself, Holy shit, I'm driving. Then it gets easier. You start driving more relaxed, less nervous than the time before. You drive out of the baby steps and into something great. The knot is still there but you get used to the feeling; the feeling of falling in love.

Those first few days of driving lasted about five years. Five years of that small knot in my stomach building, not knowing why. Five years of spending every second of every day with the one person who made me feel a way I wasn't familiar with. A feeling I didn't understand until now.

I was sixteen when I found that stop sign. It was the fourth of July. Dylan and I, like we do every year, sneak away from my aunt's party to his house and have a fire in the early morning. I remember looking up at the stars, wondering if there was something or someone looking back. I tried explaining the whole thing to him, about my theory, but he didn't need it because he already knew what I was thinking. He always does that; finish my sentences or read my thoughts.

I remember just looking at him for a while, taking him all in. His hair was a little out of place but really there was never a time it wasn't. His eyes were dark, deep in thought. Of course it bothered me that he always knew what I was thinking because I could never do the same to him. His mouth was slightly curved upward on one side. I knew he only smiled like that when he was thinking about something which only made me more upset that I couldn't figure out what. He was staring at me so I stared back thinking, what planet did you come from and why did you chose to invade me? I had no idea that that was the moment we'd both drive out of our baby steps.

I didn't know how to react to Dylan kissing me. The feeling of shock, confusion, anger, hunger and desire, all flowed through the kiss, surprising me. When he pulled back, for the first time I was able to read his thoughts; Shock, confusion, embarrassment, regret. We just sat there looking at each other like it was for the first time and for the first time everything made sense to me.

That was over a year ago.

Dylan got distant after that night until we stopped talking all together. I was so sure of what I felt but apparently he didn't feel the same. I'd tell myself, Jasmine, he kissed you first. He had to of felt something. But if he did, he would've stayed.

I got into a healthy relationship and I've moved on. At least I thought so. He dropped out of school sometime that year. That, or he just stopped coming all together. Sometimes when I drive past his house, without even thinking I would slow down as if I'm going to stop. But stop for what? To yell at him for throwing his life away? For throwing me away? I would pass his house twice a day, to and from school. Every time I'd prepare myself for the worst; seeing him. But I never did. I mean he was eighteen, maybe he decided one day to just get up and leave. I didn't blame him. It's not like his parents ever gave a shit about him anyways. He had me and I had him. Now he had no one. He had no one to call at night when his anxiety acts up. He had no one to go to when his father decides that he hasn't let out a few punches in a while. He had no one to go to when his parents start throwing things in the middle of the night about god knows what.

Dylan was now just an image fading away in my memories.