Boy in a Girl's Body

Chapter 4

I made it to the library without incident, calming down as soon as I cross the threshold. Shelves filled with books, two dozen desktop computers, a few quiet, polite students study or finish up last night's homework. The library, Ms. Giest, smiles up at me, her wrinkles getting deeper. Her thick, grey hair held together in a bun. I approach the desk, smiling shyly at the grandmotherly librarian. Nerves run crazy in my stomach, making me feel slightly sick. I'm sure Ms. Giest has heard the rumours about me, but I still feel like I owe it to her to tell her myself. She's been so friendly since I got here freshman year, treating me like a dear friend rather than some youngster that knows how to be polite. 

I don't know how she'll handle my news, but I pray to the gods of coming out that she can understand me, still accept me after this. The opinion of the school librarian means almost as much as my mother's opnion, for reasons I don't know how to explain.

I clear my throat, trying to figure out how in the hell to start, how to say it just write so I don't sound perverse. Hell, I better just spit it out. The last thing I needed to do was make this any more complicated than it already was. Ms. Giest waited patiently for me to speak, knowing me well enough to pick up on the fact that there was something I had to tell her, and that I couldn't be rushed with this.

 I brought my eyes to meet her crinkled gaze, hoping, praying that she wouln't shun me when I told her my biggest secret. There was really only one way to find out, and, I had never beem so afraid in my life, I stared into Ms. Giest's eyes and took a deep breath, and stepped off the ledge. 

"Ms. Giest, there's something I've meant to tell you, and I wanted to tell you because - well, because...you're really important to me. I'm just hoping that you can understand." My voice cracked near the end of my sentence, betraying my nerves.

"Well, what is it, Stephanie dear?" her voice was one of genuine concern, even though I felt something hot stab through my heart at the mention of my female name.

"I-I'm....I'm transgender. A female-to-male transsexual. I'm changing my name to Elijah, I'm going to get surgery, I'm gonna I...I..." the words came out rushed and fevered. My face was bright red, my eyes were burning, my knees shook like i was made of fucking jello. I couldn't look at Ms. Giest, see the disgust on her face, the sneer, the hate.

 "Honey, honey, slow down. Relax. Please. Now, what are you trying to tell me, and for God's sake, look at me when you talk." Ms. Giest smiled at me, patient as ever. 

I looked at her, straight in the face, then spoke slowly, trying to control the shaking in my voice: I'm a female-to-male transgender, Ms. Giest. I'm changing my name to Elijah and I want people to start calling me that and use male pronouns..." I watched her carefully, studying her reaction.

Her large olive eyes looked at me, not blinking. She smiled at me again, turned back to her computer and said "Well, Elijah, would you like to hear about the new books I got in this morning? I believe they may be right up your alley."

I followed Ms. Giest around the library while she loaded me up with new stories, new worlds. At the counter while she was checking my books out, she looked me up and down before she told me the best thing I had heard in my entire life: You look very handsome today, sir.

I swear, I was floating around on clouds, at least, until some unseen force pitched me right into the lockers, scattering my books across the hall. Other people laughed, tossed insults and sneered. I sighed, biting my lip to keep the angry words deep inside me. Fight hing back wasn't something I was ready for just yet.

I was collecting my things when I came across a ratty pair of purple high-stop chucks, skin-tight black jeans, studded belts and a Further Seems Forever band tee. A girl about my size was holding the book for me, her eyes friendly, open. Like smog-free sky. She was beautiful. Not in the conventional way, but in the alternative model I-don't-give-a-fuck-what-you-think way. 

I smiled at her, taking in her kick-ass style. Her hair was blue on top, sea green at the bottom. It was totally sick, great colors, not something that could be pulled off by anyone. I took the book from her hands, shaking my hair out of my eyes.

"I'm Elijah, Eli. Thanks for getting this. Have I seen you around?" I stuffed the final book in my back, stretching it, raising the weight to about 100lbs. Sea-green head smiled wider, as if it were possible, exposing a smiley piercing. This girl was something else.

"I'm Darcy. As in Fitzwilliam. Nice to meet you, Eli. You have great taste in books, can you recommend any," her voice was soft, smooth, perfect girl. Like ice cream, sugar, spice, everything nice. And she wasn't treating me like I was shit, at least not yet.