Butterfly Effect

Charms and Trains

August 13, 2014

A week before the exams, you asked me out; you asked me out today. I didn't know what to say; simply because I was preoccupied with academic activities. I told you to give me time and I'll answer your question after exams. I saw hope in your eyes. You kissed my cheek and went on your way home. I was happy that after being left and hurt by other people on a daily basis, someone loved me for who I am; for what I am.

I may have told you to give me time but on that minute you asked me, I already had an answer. I have to apologize if ever I treat you as a distraction, for not answering your question. It's only because that you are. I'll never get over the fact that you're going to be my boyfriend so I asked you to give me time; to wrap my head around the entire truth. I'm such a hopeless romantic, forgive me.

I have probably done something good in past life to deserve you like this. We only met a few weeks ago, not even a month. How can you develop such a liking for me at that short time? I hope JB hyung didn't force you to date me (because if he did, I'll kill him). I hope you are really doing this whole-heartedly; with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind; because if you are not, it's another way to feel extremely sorry for myself.

I have no idea what you saw in me that had you thinking that you should date me. I'm just a lame human being who wants good grades and hopefully gets a decent job after college. But here you are, perfect human being with average grades and a lot of people lining up who want to date you; male and female. Why did you choose me? You don't even know if I'm head over heels for you or not (but I am head over heels for you, you shouldn't know that). You know nothing, Mark Tuan.

I have to go study, Mark. I hope you study too.

I'll write again soon.

Jinyoung

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I remember feeling extremely happy the day he asked me out; at least I knew that my feelings were reciprocated, that he didn't know. I gave him a hard time with the whole asking out thing because I wanted to see if he's dead serious or this is just one of his horrible games. I asked everyone about him and they all say that he was a playboy, a slut; which were horrible words to begin with and they also told me to run and save myself from his charms. But I couldn't do it. I probably have fallen into his love prison the day I met him. I never felt for someone like this before so I like to take risks. If Mark's going to hurt me, might as well. You only learn from a broken heart.

It took me a solid six months to answer his repetitive question of "will you be my boyfriend?", even if I told him to give me a week. I didn't want him to just get this chance of being with me in a snap of a finger. I wanted him to work for it; and boy, did he just do an amazing job.

Although, I don't know how he felt that day. The day he saw me being crowded by people telling me that I'm such a waste of space and that I should just die. I wonder what it felt like to see the love of your life suffer in front of you. To see other people's fist have contact with your loved one's jaw. I didn't know how Mark felt that day. I was such a selfish bastard, you know? I allowed him to take me back to his dorm, comfort me, and attend on my wounds, but I didn't ask how he was. How stupid of me to just cry in his arms, not even concerning him of his personal pain. I saw him shed a tear or two but I wasn't entirely sure. The medicine calmed my head that day; I fell asleep in his arms, on his bed.

JB hyung came late tonight, he asked how I was and if I ate anything today. I told him I ate the jjajangmyeon his mom made earlier. I wasn't lying. I actually ate today. It took an hour now to dump all the partially digested food on the toilet, that's a progress. I never last 15 minutes before.

"Jinyoung-ah, you're really getting thin. This is not healthy anymore."

"I know, JB hyung. I'm sorry."

He told me to stop apologizing but I never stopped. He's experiencing lack of sleep, worrying about me. JB hyung doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve this at all. I hope he realizes that worrying about me is not good at all. Yeah. He should stop worrying about me. I need to move out. I need to leave. I'm being such an ungrateful prick to the Ims now with my depression or grieving or something. I don't even know my mental sickness anymore. It's fucked. My life is fucked.

I grabbed the duffle bag at the top of the cabinet and packed whatever clothes I can get. I took all the remaining money I had from the last time I worked and when I had savings. I wrote JB hyung and the Ims a goodbye letter, thanking them for everything they've done for me ever since.

It's a few minutes before the last train on the way to Seoul is leaving, I can still catch it. I'm sorry JB hyung for leaving with no proper and formal goodbyes. I have to do this. I have to live alone and be independent; even if it means leaving you. I'm really, really sorry. I have to know how to live life myself, without Mark. You will probably hate me for this, JB hyung, but it's the right thing to do. Again, I'm sorry.

I rode the train to Seoul and never looked back.