The Essence of Noah (Muslim story)

Steps

My eyes snap up to Ed as he makes an appearance, though my heart stays fixed on Noah's words. His words are a numbing jab- the otherwise irregular beats in my chest would have been painful, sickening- but I don't feel them. Like several intense drum beats, rhythmically spread apart in slow motion actions, my heart pumps and the lethal thumps spread to the pits of my stomach, weighing down on the butterflies.I'm in a state of utter shock from his confessed realisation and the only thing I can liken it to, is like being in a peaceful sleep and  suddenly awoken by a loud and unexpected noise- or walking down the stairs in a dimly lit corridor and physically feeling your heart drop as your foot misses a step.

Noah's confession is the step I missed and the sound I heard, and both have me somewhat terrified. It's an overwhelming sensation with no length or depth and refuses to settle. It bobs with every shaken inhale I take and quivers as I breathe out. I never expected Noah to share my feelings- crushes don't tend to do that in the books I read or the movies I watch; they're clueless, indifferent, and really that's what makes a 'crush' okay, the fact that that is all they'll ever be.

Noah changed that when he told Ed he liked me, he broke the doors I'd bolted myself and did something unheard of to me- he made my crush a possibility. And now, with his direct confession, he's made it an unchangeable reality.

Unable to form a single word, I stare at Ed, my lips slightly parted, and mind whirling.

"Oh." Ed says as he look from Noah to me. "Shit." He lingers at the door, his hand gripping the handle as if he were to pull it shut. I don't make sense of his words or actions- the only thing I can think of is what Noah's said.

"What are you doing here?" When Noah speaks, I finally manage to return my gaze back to him, sneaking a quick glance and looking away once more.

"I was around." Ed replies. "Hi." I look up at him, as he addresses me, and when I do, I notice Noah's watching me.

"Hi." I reply, my voice coming out in a kind of breathless drawl. I take a chance and look at Noah again- he's still staring, though this time it's different. He looks fazed, uncertain and possibly worried. His lips part slightly in the begins of words to say, but they don't come, and remain forever lost in that moment.

"Hey ah," Ed disrupts the silence, "When you done, can we talk?" Noah shakes his head, avoided eye contact with him. Ed takes the nod as an answer, and pulls the balcony doors shut, and disappears inside.

He leaves us with an air of awkwardness at his abrupt arrival and sudden departure. There's no start to what we were talking about and no end either, and once I realise this I fear that Noah might brush it off as something he regrets saying and I'll be forced to accept that.

Hesitantly, I look at him, hoping he'll say something- anything really- but most of all I wait for him to continue. I wait, and even though it might only be a few seconds, they feel like minutes dragging on endlessly. The longer he pauses and the longer I wait, the more scared I become at him taking back his words. My heartbeat quickens and the spring air starts to feel humid and clammy as it envelopes me.

"What I was saying-" Noah speaks slowly, tasting and turning every word on his tongue, and the hesitancy of his talk seems like a confirmation to my fear- and so in the spur of the moment, I cut him off.

"I like you too." It tumbles out of my mouth in a single breath and once heard, settles as a feather between us- softly and silently. I bite the inside of my cheek and look down at my mug, cupped tightly in my hands. When I look up, with a small smile of relief at being truthful forming on my face, I all but hide it at Noah's reaction.

He seems surprised, perhaps just like me, but he stares with a hint of something I can't decipher, added to his expression- something not Noah. Then, when a sense of disappointment, creeps into my skin, he sighs.

"You like me." He states, coming out in a breath accompanied by the smallest of smiles. It's small, but I take it- putting myself somewhat at ease. Noah looks back at his balcony doors to catch a glimpse of Ed, before returning back to me. "Are you free tonight?" I open my mouth, but close it with a subtle nod. "Do you want to go out later, to Amu's?"

"I uh-"

"It's cool if you don't want to, I mean I get it, it's not- I shouldn't have asked." He rambles and brush his hair away from his face.

"It's fine, what time?"

"I'll knock on your door, when Ed leaves." I nod and stand as does Noah, extending his mug back.

"Coffee was great, thank you." Noah just smiles, taking the mug- our fingers touching in the exchange.

~*~

I sit on the floor in my room, legs stretched and back to the wall as I fiddle with my phone. I'm an anxious mess- excited and terrified. I should be feeling happy, thrilled and ecstatic at everything right now; this is what I wanted. But for the past half hour I haven't been able to rid this unsettling feeling that something is wrong; that this is wrong. And out of both feelings, the fear settles deeper in my chest, almost like a reminder of my faith and the wrong that I've done.

In a moment I lived too freely, too carelessly, and the repercussions have caught up with me way to soon. Looming thoughts if regret run wild in my mind, reminding me that I am muslim and what I've just done is not.

I haven't done anything, I try to reason with myself, but that's as much of a lie as saying what was said meant nothing to me.

I try to do what I've done before when uncertainties have risen in me about Noah- I try and compare my 'friendship' with him to mine with Evan. It usually works, but I've never told Evan I liked and not has Evan- our friendship has always steered clear of emotions, and that's why it works.

I've dived into unknown waters, and only now have I realised, I'm not much of a swimmer.

The anxiety thrashes and my mind chants 'haram' over and over, like a shaytaan playing games of insanity.

"Astagfirullah." I mutter. I'm pathetic, I really am. I live in the moment and turn to my deen in fear; hypocritical kind of.

I'm startled slightly by my phone vibrating in my hands and my ringtone filling the silence.

"Hey, Hana."

"Hi, mum." There's a pause on the line and then she asks cautiously.

"Is everything okay?" I chew the inside of my cheek, debating on whether it'll be worth my breath to tell her about my religious conflict. "Is this about Noah?" She prods.

"Yeah." I sigh. Mum doesn't saying anything, silently expecting. "He likes me and He asked me out." I blush as I say it, and despite my stomach knotting I smile.

"That's great, did you say yes?"

"I shouldn't have."

"Have you changed your mind about him?"

"No," I'm quick to reply, "but the whole thing is haram."

"It's just a date. All you're going to do is talk. I'm sure that's fine even in your dad's books."

"Not in the islamic ones."

"Go, just this once. He's muslim too, maybe you can both figure out where you want to go from here." I listen and get some comfort from her words; they're plausible, not necessarily right, but plausible.

"Okay." I smile.

"Call me when you get back."

"Okay."

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This was interesting to write, but nonetheless I hope you enjoyed it. Who's excited for the next chapter!?

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