You're a Wizard, Justin: A Collection of Short Stories

Justin Bieber: The Next Jedi

"Justin," a voice echoes in my head. "Justin!" the voice calls again.

I open my eyes and realize that I'm dreaming. In front of me is a dude with a beard and some weird robes on. "Who the hell are you?" I ask.

"My name is Obe Wan Kenobi," he says calmly, yet forefully.

"Aren't you supposed to be dead?" I ask.

"I can still see you in dreams. Now listen, young padawan, we have no time to waste. I believe you have a concert in Downtown Manhattan tomorrow night, correct?" Obe Wan Kenobi says.

"Yeah, how'd you know?" I ask.

"I just do. Now, an army of Siths, consisting of 500 sith troopers and 15 sith lords is in downtown Manhattan this morning. I need you find them and kill the sith lords to stop them from establishing a base there. Do you think you can do that?"

"Not really. I don't even know how to turn on a lightsaber. Why do the siths want to establish a base here?" I ask.

"The Force is strong in Manhattan. The Siths can gain a lot of power. Now are you up to the task?" Obe Wan asks.

"Not really, bro."

"Well you don't have a choice. I've left you a weapon and a droid to train with. You have 6 hours, young padawan. Do not fail me." Obe Wan Kenobi fades out of my dream and I snap awake.

I immediately check my bestand and see a lightsaber there. Standing right next to my bed is a little robot dude. "Are you R2-D2?" I ask.

The little thing seems to confirm my question. In a matter of 2 minutes, I have met Obe Wan Kenobi, R2-D2, and recieved a lightsaber. What's next? Is Chewbacca going to show up and carry me across Canada?

I wish.

I decide not to question the fact that a Jedi wants me to battle a group of Siths. So far, I've been accepted into Hogwarts, streaked down trains, battled Edward Cullen, turned myself into a duck, and kissed Draco Malfoy. I don't doubt that I am now considered a legit padawan.

I get out of bed and grab my lightsaber. "Okay," I tell R2-D2. "I have 6 hours to learn how to use this motherfucker." I press the button and a long rainbow light shoots out of it. It's very lightweight and easy to swing.

A rainbow lightsaber? Sweet! I begin to swing it back a forth in my small tour bus room. "Oh, look! I'm Justin Bieber! That's right, bitch! I'm a Jedi in training! Hey, look! It's Jabba the Hut getting his ass kicked by an Ewok!"

R2-D2 made a disapproving noise. I turn around to face the little droid. "Look, I know that didn't happen, but it would have been awesome."

I turn back around and start swinging the lightsaber again. "I'll save you, Princess Leia!" I say. I accidentally swing the rod of burning light too far and it cuts off a quarter of my bed. "Shit," I mutter.

Sunlight breaks through my window. Damn it. That's just what I need. I'm scheduled to arrive in Manhattan at 4am. That gives me what, 3 hours to find a group of Siths? It actually shouldn't be that hard, spotting a group of oddly-dressed people wielding sith lightsabers and massassi battle staffs, right?

But what am I going to tell my bus driver? "Gotta go save Manhattan from Sith Lords! Be back in a few hours!" No, that would never fly.

But then again, I'm Justin Bieber.

As soon as the bus stops in Downtown Manhattan at the Marriott hotel, I get the hell out of there. While the bus driver is asleep, I carefully step out of the bus, wearing nothing but a Beatles t-shirt, jeans, and Supras. My rainbow lightsaber and wand are in my back pocket. I slide a ski cap on my head and double it with a pair of sunglasses. I put R2-D2 on a leash so maybe people will think he's my demented dog or something.

"R2-D2," I whisper. "Take me to these Sith Lords."

R2-D2 does a little beeping thing. He gets a little bit taller, his feet expand, and he begins to shake violently. Before I know it, R2-D2 has shot up in the air like a rocket. 

"CRAP!" I scream as I'm yanked upward, holiding onto R2-D2's leash for my life. He seems to think that doing flips and doing useless twirls around the skyscrapers is cute, but I just want to throw up.

He crashes through a window and I ninja roll onto the floor. I feel like a total boss. When I stand up, Iook around and realize I'm standing in a conference room. The security alarm is blaring on the wall. Without thinking, I unsheath my lightsaber and smash the security system right off the wall. The alarm stops blaring.

I sheath my lightsaber and carefully poke my head out the door. Sith troopers are patrolling the hallways, wielding big-ass machine guns that could ten men with one pull of a trigger. Once they pass, I sneak out into the hallway, scooting along the wall with my back. I've gone about 200 feet before I reach another conference room, except this one is way bigger, darker, and is filled with about 15 people.

They seem to be enjoying themselves just fine, being served drinks by half-naked women and playing basketball. I almost walk in and join them before I realize they're sith lords. Sith Lords playing basketball? What the hell?

I wait until all the Sith Lords have their backs turned to me. Very stupidly, I run inside, unsheath my lightsaber, and start swinging it like crazy. I slash it through the backs of 4 siths, cutting them in half. 3 other siths charge at me, but I deflect them with a roundhouse kick and several stabs.

A particulary menacing sith lord picks up a gun and tries to fire it at me. I deflect the bullets with my lightsaber before pulling out my wand and screaming, "AVADA KEDAVRA!" The sith drops to the ground, dead.

8 siths down, 7 to go. R2-D2 has joined the battle, too, firing lazers at the sith's hearts. I begin to stab and slice, not knowing what the hell I'm doing. I feel a blazing pain in the back of my right thigh and in my shoulder. I turn around and face my attacker.

It's Darth Maul.

I charge at Darth Maul with my raindbow lightsaber. Neeerrooo. Neerroo. Neeeeerooo. Our lightsabers make constant contact with each other. "Avada Kedavra!" I yell, pointing my wand at him. He drops dead. The bitch never saw it coming.

My face is covered in scratches, my shoulder and thigh are bleeding, and R2-D2 looks all banged up. Only one more sith remains.

It's Darth Vader.

"What the hell, bro! You're supposed to be dead!" I scream.

Darth Vader laughs darkly. "That's what they want you to think, little girl." He draws his lightsaber. "Come and fight a real Sith Lord, young padawan."

I charge at him and our lightsabers clash. He easily deflects my blows like I'm just a little mosquito buzzing in his ear. He takes a good slice at my stomach and burns me very badly. This is not acceptable.

I whip out my wand again. "Wingardium Leviosa!" I yell.  Darth Vader begins to inflate like a helium balloon. R2-D2 and I just stand there, watching Darth Vader helplessly swing his lightsaber back and forth.

I crack up. This is incredibly ridiculous. "Not only am I a padawan," I say. "But I'm a wizard, demigod, and popstar. I ride a unicorn. I make girls swoon. I fight vampires. You? You fucked yourself up so badly that your own mentor had to kill you."

"Obe Wan was a fool!" Darth Vader hisses.

"Not really, bro. You were an idiot for killing him. He's more powerful dead."

"You're a sparkly pink fairy princess," Darth Vader spits as he slowly bounces around the room. "How do you know anything about Obe Wan Kenobi?"

"Because," I say, flipping my hair dramatically. "I'm fabulous."

And with one swipe of my lightsaber, Darth Vader is dead at the hands of a sparkly pink fairy princess.

R2-D2 makes a happy beeping noise. "Come on, little droid. I've got a concert to go to."

And that's how Anakin Skywalker really died.

(Up Next: Justin Bieber and The Hunger Games)