Don't Let Go

Chapter 24

If you are still reading this after all these years - or even if you just started this story recently - thank you. I am so sorry for keeping you waiting.

Over the next few weeks I will go back and fix typos and other mistakes.

This is the final chapter in Don't Let Go, and the following section is an Epilogue, 10 years in the future.

***

I studied Bradley for a few more seconds in peace before he said -

"Anyway, I should be going." he sighed. He began to walk away.

From the back, Tristan and Bradley were identical. 

I played mind games. I messed with myself. I knew it was Bradley walking away. But I imagined it to be Tristan anyway. Then I remembered how I felt about Bradley. Then how I had felt about Tristan. It was all so confusing and I knew my thoughts were only hurting me.

I spent the rest of the day trying to catch up in school. I read several chapters from different textbooks - but nothing really stuck.

"How was your session with Dr. Redmon?" I heard a voice. I spun around in my desk chair and faced Aaron who was leaning against my doorway.

"It was fine." I sighed. He gave me a weak smile and held his hands up in surrender.

"Alright, I won't pry." He said walking backwards out of my room. I gave Aaron a long look. He looked tired and worn out. But he still had a hint of his boyish and playful look.

When Aaron left I reflected on everything.

I thought about Tristan. I thought about Bradley. About Jack and Lizzie. About Aaron and Dr. Redmon and Tristan's mom and dad. And about Bradley again.

I pulled out my phone and stared at Bradley's name in my contact list. How could I do this Tristan? He died. He died! And yet all I could think about was Bradley. How he kissed me when he was drunk. How he makes all the pain stop.

I had to remind myself to breathe. I let out a long breath.

Hours passed with me mindlessly scrolling down the pages of various websites. Then suddenly, I shut my laptop closed and stood up.

Do you ever have those moments of clarity? They're so rare, and they last only a split second. But suddenly all the competing voices in your head stop. The reality of whatever situation you're in is clear and the next steps you should take are bullet pointed in your mind somehow. And everything, I mean every single obstacle in between where you are now and where you should be, suddenly loses its meaning.

I knew I had to move fast. That the clarity was fleeting and the after-affects of it would be fleeting too. I ran downstairs and into Aaron.

"Woah. What's up?" he took a step back - as I said, I literally ran into him.

"I need your car." I told him.

"Are you okay?" he asked honestly concerned.

"I'm not. I'm not. But I will be, eventually."  I admitted.

"I just - I need to go. I need to tell someone something." I met Aaron's gaze and there were questions in his eyes, but for the first time in what felt like forever, there was no fear. There was no wondering whether I would ever come back if I walked out. Right then, he knew I would. Maybe he had his own split second of clarity. He stepped back and let me pass.

I grabbed my keys off the counter and headed for my car. I don't remember the drive to Bradley's. It felt like I was on auto-pilot.

When I reached his house, I banged on the front door. Fairly quickly, the door opened to his surprised mother.

"Hannah," she paused, wondering why my demeanor was so frazzled.

"Is Bradley here? I need to talk to him." I said, worrying that my courage, my clarity or whatever would disappear and I would leave without saying what I needed to say. She stepped back to let me in.

"He's in his room, packing his stuff up." she said.

"Packing?" I frowned. "Where is he going?"

"Moving in to an apartment downtown." she said. I knew she noticed the relief on my face.

"You didn't think he was going far did you?" when she asked that, I heard empathy in her voice. The woman had disliked me for so long, but she was a human. She didn't hate me for the sake of it, but for what I represented to her. The end of her youngest son's life. But maybe, just maybe, I was starting to represent something else.

I ran up the stairs and passed Tristan's bedroom. I didn't even bother knocking when I reached Bradley's. I grabbed the knob, turned and pushed it forward.

Bradley looked up from a box he was filling with clothes. I could tell he was startled and slightly worried. I wondered if he would ever look at me without worry in his face.

"Hannah, are you okay?" he asked. I had pushed the door open so forcefully that it had rebounded off the wall and closed behind me.

"I just -" I stared at him. He was wearing a maroon crewneck and dark jeans.

"You're mom said you're moving." I said. I could feel myself beginning to chicken out. I could feel the clarity slipping away. The complications were fighting their ways back into my mind.

Bradley eyed me like I wasn't telling him the full story.

"Hannah, what's wrong?" he reworded his question.

"I can't pretend like I don't feel guilty. I don't - I don't know how angry Tris would be."  I paused. Bradley was watching me silently. He dropped the shirts in his hand, missing the box entirely.

"I know you think that everyone looks at you and see's him - " I trailed off. I couldn't turn my thoughts into the right words.

"You think, I see him when I look at you." I paused again.

"You have similarities." I admitted. "But you're not the same person to me."

"And I'm sorry if you don't want to hear this. I'm sorry if this makes you feel guilty because you shouldn't - I am the one saying this." I paused.

"But you need to know. When I look at you, I see you. Only you." I glanced up at him, realizing I was speaking mostly to the box at his feet. His eyes were still watching me, and this time I looked right at him.

"I love you because of who you are. Because of how much you care about the people around you and how you're smart and how you're honest and you're real. And - " my voice cracked, and I could see that Bradley was frozen to his spot.

"And because you make the yelling in my head - just stop." I told him.

"Okay maybe the yelling doesn't stop..." I was mumbling now. "But it gets a little quieter." I whispered this last part. Bradley's face was completely unreadable.

"I don't need to be with you Brad." I said after a short silence. "God knows I'll be in therapy for the foreseeable future with or without you. But Brad I want to be with you." He still wasn't moving.

"Brad." I whispered. He snapped back to reality and maneuvered around the boxes in his room until he was in front of me.

"I love you too Hannah." his voice was gentle. We stared at each other, faces just inches apart for the longest time. Then he closed his eyes and pulled my face into his.

***

I think I'll always feel a little bit guilty about being with Brad. I was in some kind of relationship with Tristan when he died - and Brad - well Brad's his brother. But part of me sees Tris in some after-life scenario, watching this scene unfold on a screen in front of him, feeling content. Things didn't go the way they were supposed to but he knows we'll be okay. Eventually. Sometimes I think you need to lie to yourself to survive. Guilt won't change the past.