Rippler

Chapter 15

BIRTHDAY

A week passed and my birthday arrived. Things had been strange between Will and me. I wasn't the most experienced person when it came to boys and kissing, but it felt a little odd to me that Will didn't so much as hold my hand after telling me how he felt. The more I thought about it, the more confused I became about what exactly he had told me. Sure, the kiss said I want you. And that look in his eyes, like nothing this world had to offer compared to me, said I love you. But he hadn't put it into words, had he?

Sitting alone in the kitchen, I wished for the millionth time that I could ask Gwyn's advice. She'd be able to tell me what to do. What it meant if a guy wanted to spend every free moment with you but wouldn't kiss you a second time.

Gwyn. I sighed. I'd made the decision to live without her friendship. I was going to have to figure this out without her.

I thought again of Will's parting that evening after we'd kissed. His words had been all about staying friends.

Just friends.

Was that what Will really wanted? Maybe he was just trying out kissing me, kind of like trying out a new brand of running shoes, and he decided I wasn't his brand after all. Ouch. The thought stung. My eyes burned and then blurred with tears.

So what did I want? I wanted Will. I loved him; I felt sure of it. But what earthly good would it do me to tell him that I loved him if he'd already decided he didn't actually feel that way about me? If I was Nike and he liked Brooks after all?

I wanted Will in my life. I wanted it bad enough that I wasn't going to risk scaring him off. He could be Brooks-boy and I'd be Nike-girl and everything would go back to where it used to be. Just friends. Will had to stay in my life, what with rippling and Sir Walter and all that mess. So did I want him to feel like he had to walk on tip-toe around me because he'd broken my heart? No. I didn't want that. I wouldn't let him know how I felt. I couldn't.

But I wished I felt sure I was reading him right. I could talk to Sylvia. She and Dad would be back from the bakery with my cake in half an hour. But no, if Syl had any hint that Will had broken my heart, her inner lioness would come out, hungry for blood. Wouldn't that make for a great birthday party? And I didn't think she'd understand, anyway. She'd tell me about other fish in the sea or something when I already knew there was only one fish I wanted.

That left Mickie to talk to.

Yeah, right. The thought actually brought a smile to my face. She'd read Will the riot act for kissing a girl he didn't love, and then she'd ask how he could even think of kissing when there were people who wanted all of us dead, for the love of Mike. No, I wasn't bringing Will's sister into this whatever-it-was.

I could do just friends. When I thought of the empty years, the years I'd walled off my heart from anyone, I felt grateful for just friends. I stared down at my running shoes, thinking of all the hours they'd logged with Will pounding the road beside me. A thought whispered across my mind, seductive.

If you became Brooks-girl instead, maybe he'd like you.

I swallowed hard. That was an idea. How badly did I want him to like me? What would I be willing to give up, set aside, change? Could I buy a few magazines at the grocery store check-out and take a survey and—

I smiled, shaking my head. I liked being me—the me I was now. In fact, the great thing about hanging with Will, or Mickie, for that matter, was that I could be completely me. For the first time in eight years, I knew who I was. No way was I giving that up.