The Collected Works of a Toddler

The Time I Refused to Eat

This is a story that I (VampireAlex) and my friend (EvaKjartans96) are writing together.

PS: Good for parents of young children (We have experience with this sort of behavoiur)

- Eva & Aurora

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I am Jacob. I am five. I like to play with my friend, Markus. Mummy says he is no good. She thinks he is bad for me. I like him, he is fun.

We go to kindergarten in town. My mummy told me that the town we live in has a name, but I was picking my nose, so I was not listening. All I know is that the name sounded funny. Like shaboom. But it was not shaboom. I know that.

My mummy is really tall. Not as tall as daddy, but taller than my big brothers and my big sister. I am taller than my little brother. He is only one year old. He looks strange. When I said that to mummy, she told me not to be rude and that he was beautiful. I said that I guessed so, but secretly I still think he looks strange. And he smells funny sometimes. And he does poo-poo in his pants. I do it in the toilet, because I am a big boy.

Marcus is the smallest in his family. He has two older sisters. One of them smells nice and is seven. She is the coolest person I know. Her name is Nelly. She has long hair that is curly. It looks like Goldy Locks' hair. She is pretty. Marcuseses other sister has moved out of their house. She is really old. She has a boyfriend, and goes to a place called College. My mummy sais that she is smart and that she will go far. I do not understand where she would want to go. I like it here.

Many people say that my brothers look the Same, but I think that they look like each other. Not like Same, whoever that is. Cameron is proud because he is older than Nathaniel. Nathaniel sais that  ten minutes does not count. I think that they are really tall, so I decided that it is not my problem.

Julia is my big sister, but she is smaller than my big brothers. She talks about boys a lot, but when I say that I am a boy she tells me to go annoy someone else. Then I tell her that I am a boy again because I figured out that she does not understand what I am saying. That can go on for a while, until she pushes me out of her room.

And lastly there is my little brother Bob. Mummy says that he is named after Bob Dylan and Bob Marley, but I do not know what that means. He is always smelly and dirty. When he eats he puts the food all over his face because he is stupid. When I put food all over my face mummy tells me that I am a naughty boy and to wash my face with soap. But I will tell you a secret, I never use the soap, it smells funny. Usually I just put it on a toothbrush if there is one by the sink.

Once I put soap on my toothbrush and it tasted funny in the evening. But I think it was something Cameron or Nathaniel did to it, because soap tastes good. 

Now I have finished to tell you about my family, so now I will tell you some stories about me. I want to tell you about some of my greatest adventures.

Let us start with the time I refused to eat.

It all started with Marcus. My teacher is called miss Peterson, but she spells it weird. On her name tag it says ms. Peterson. I like to call her emmess Peterson, but she says it is pronouced miss. I do not know what a pronounce is.

But back to the story. I was at kindergarten and Marcus was late. I wanted to play with him. I decided to play with Sally and the legoes instead. We built a big tower and a house. But then Marcus came and I played dinosaur and smashed the tower down with my hands before I stomped on the house. Sally started to cry, because she is a silly little girl. She is not cool like Marcus or me.

I could hear Marcuseses mummy talking to my teacher. I walked into the hall so I could hear what they were saying.

I heard miss Peterson ask why Marcus was late. And then I could hear Marcuseses mummy say that Marcus had been a pain in the a-word because he refused to eat. Sometimes big people are weird, you see they say we are not lot aloud to say bad words, but then the big people say them. They make my thoughts go weird so that I do not understand them.

When I got home that day and was supposed to eat, I said that I refused. Mummy got a strange look on her face so that she got lines between her eyebrows and on her forehead. She asked me why I did not want my food, and wondered if it was yucky. I watched her taste my food, and screamed. I wanted that food for myself! I told her that she was not aloud to eat my food.

Then she asked me if I wanted it, so I told her that I refused. I had already told her, but sometimes big people are stupid and need to be told many times before they understand things.

I started to say "I refuse!" over and over again in a happy voice while bouncing so that she would understand it, and when she tried to feed me I pushed the food away because she needed to listen to me and what I was saying.

Then daddy got angry at me and started yelling at me. I did not understand why he looked all red all over his face and he was spitting on the table, so I started to do the same. I did not know how to get my face all red, so I decided to only do the spitting.

When I started spitting on the food and the table and daddy and mummy and on my little brother, who got some extra slimy spit on him with yucky carrots in it, mummy grabed my arms and puled me out of my chair. She carried me over to the stairs and put me down and said that I had to stay there until I started to behave. Then she walked away.

I stayed on the stairs until I got bored with playing with the loose string in the carpet that got longer every time I pulled it. When I got bored I walked up the stairs that I used to be sitting on. I walked up to Cameron and Nathaniel's door and opened it.

I walked into their room and over to Cameron's bed. I climbed up on it and started to bounce. You see his bed is very bouncy. So I jumped up and down until I heard the door say 'BANG' because it opened. I turned around to see Cameron and Nathaniel and Julia and daddy and mummy, who was holding Bob the wrong way up. Then I saw that what I had thought was his head was actually a diaper.

Cameron ran over to me and grabed me up mid jump. He turned around so quickly that my belly tickled. I laughed, but then he put me down on the floor too fast. I wanted him to spin more. He started getting angry at me and yelled at me that I was not allowed in his room and that I was never alowed to touch his bed again. But then he asked why it was always him. But he said it very softly, so I answered very softly that it was because his bed was bouncy.

He pointed at the door and looked at me in a very scary way. I tried to look at him the same way and point at the door too, but he did it better. Then he told me to get out, and I told him to get out. Then Nathanial grabbed my arms and Cameron grabbed my feet and they carried me into my room. They walked over to my bed and held me over it. Then they looked at each other and let go of me. I landed on my bed, but then I bounced off of it and rolled into their legs.

That day I did not eat dinner.