If Not For You

Chapter 46

“I love you.  I will always love.  You were there for me literally and figuratively in a way that changed my life.”  Without taking her eyes off of him she reached down and took each of his hands in her own small hands.  “I was lost.  Lost, broken, and self destructive and no one else could see me but you.  You showed me what it felt like to care about somebody by caring for me unconditionally.  And I want you to know that I feel that for you in return.  You taught me how to be present in my life and to want to actually live it.  And I will always be there for you but I don’t ever want us to turn our love for one another into a feeling of obligation.”  She was looking in his eyes for understanding.  “We are so young.  We need to do what we want to do in this life and if we are meant to be we will be.  And if we grow apart, that’s okay too.  Just because we don’t end up together doesn’t mean that we weren’t meant to be together here and now.”  Ben could see that she meant every word.

Ben kissed her hands.  “You saved my life.  I can safely say there will never be a time in my life where I could ever regret knowing you.”

Jenna smiled.  “You saved me too.  And not just that night but the repercussions of that happening again, I would’ve been more lost than I was before.”  Jenna was silent for a moment.  “I grew up way too soon.  I shouldn’t have had to go through what I did.  I am not old enough to be having sex and having these feelings.  I’m just trying to do my best with sorting them all out.” 

Ben felt a pang of guilt.  “I’m sorry.”  He never really thought about it.  He had been having sex for a long time but it had always been his decision.  Although it had never meant anything to him he still had always been a willing participant.  Even when he was the one being pursued.  Jenna had said she was ready, but he should have known she wasn’t.  He should have refused to believe her.    

Jenna could see the guilt in his eyes.  “What happened was not your fault.”  

“Having sex with you wasn’t my fault?”  Ben said bitterly but it was only himself he was angry at.  He normally would never even look at a girl her age but she just seemed so old.  He guessed the irony was that it was her experience in the world that made her seem so old yet at the same time it was what had broken her.

“What happened at my school was irreversible.  There wasn’t any way to erase that from my mind.  Whether I wanted it or not I wasn’t getting my virginity back.  The only way I was going to move on from it was to create a positive experience,” Jenna explained,” and I wanted that with you.”  Jenna sighed.  “It wasn’t my ideal scenario.  I’m not going to lie.  But this is the real world.  Nothing is going to make me a virgin with parents that love me.”  Jenna reached over and touched Ben’s face and his expression softened.  “But if that were the case then I wouldn’t be here with you.”

Ben was calm again, putting it all in perspective.  “Nobody would be with me.  I would be dead.”  Jenna had been the only one who had ever done anything to save Ben, to set him free.  Everyone else had just tried to get him some temporary reprieve; no one had ever been strong enough to take away the monster.  Standing here they both knew that there wasn’t anyone that either of them knew that could possibly understand them more.  They knew they had been given amazing gifts in one another.

Ben exhaled.  “So you aren’t breaking up with me?”

Jenna shook her head.  “I am not breaking up with you.”

“It started off sounding a lot like a break up.”  Ben was relieved.  “But it does sound like a pre-break up.”

Jenna kissed Ben again.  “I just want to tell you how much you mean to me.  And I want us to enjoy the rest of the year together.  But I want you to go off to college and live it up.  I want us to both do everything that we were meant to do in this life because we gave each other these chances to do these things.”  Jenna looked like what she was about to say next physically hurt her to say it.  “I just know how my parents are and how my mother had regrets and she ended up hating my father and me for getting in the way of her dreams and I don’t want that to be us.  Promise me you will go to college and do everything you want to do.”