Raph's Nightmares

The day after

I wake up in my bed, and it takes me good five minutes to remember everything, starting with why I'm here.

I haven't had any kind of strange dream. Why is my head pounding?

Leo.

My big brother. My leader.

Dead?

I kick the blankets off me and jump to my feet, immediately getting dizzy. I hold my head and squeeze my eyes shut for a moment, while the latest events come slowly to my mind. Was it hours ago? Is it tomorrow yet? How long was I in the TCRI building? My legs give way and I'm forced to sit back down on the bed.

He's not breathing... But I didn't see him myself. Whoever picked me up when I blacked out - probably sensei - put me straight away to bed. And, stubborn as it might sound, I won't believe it until I see for myself. So enough whining, Raphael.

I frown at the floor, as if it was guilty of anything. I sniffle and pulled myself to my feet again, steadier this time. I open the door. The world seems muffled again, as if I am walking inside a dream. I scowl. Is it really not a dream? How can I be sure any more?

The white sheet covering an oversized bulge in the living room gives me a hint. The nausea that creeps into my stomach confirms it. The handles of the stretcher poke out on each side of the sheet and I don't think I can't take it any further. But I do. I guess we never know for sure how we are truly going to react when we are under pressure.

A trembling hand that supposedly belongs to me reaches out to grab the end of the sheet and lift it. What if he is actually breathing? Who was the heartless soul who covered him up like this?

"Who did this...?" I don't even realize I'm mumbling.

"I did" Donnie's voice whispers from the couch. I'm pretty sure by the sound of it that he has spent the whole night there, sleepless. I look over at him, still gripping the sheet, glad to have a diversion. I'm not quite sure I'm ready to face what is behind it.

"I threw the blanket over him right after sensei got you to bed. I'm sorry, I thought it could be easier if we didn't have to see him".

"Just like that? You didn't even try to see if there was anything we could do? Anything at all?!" I half yell, and I pull back from the bulge, stumbling to my feet again. I take a couple steps to Donnie and he simply stares at me, his eyes showing no emotion, only hazel bottomless pits. I was sure, for a second, that he wasn't going to be able to feel anything at all for a long time. However, I... am different. Anger is already welling up inside me and I'm starting to fear I can't contain it for much longer.

"What else was I supposed to do, Raph? I checked for his pulse. There was none. Those heavy muscles must have made too much pressure over his internal organs. And without whoever was controlling his mind and keeping him alive... It collapsed. I'm sorry".

"Sorry?! Why are you even apologizing, as if it were your fault! It's mine! Only mine!"

His eyes widen some and he props himself up on the couch, setting his eyes on me. I see only one emotion in them now: concern.

"Raph... What are you talking about? This is no one's fault..." He frowns and glances at the hallway, a fact that I ignore. "Well, if we must blame someone... It must be April. Or the kraang. But not you."

I sigh and look down at my hands.

"I had him, Donnie. I had him inside that crazy dream once, and I had him again at TCRI. And I failed him. Twice". I growl, now fully aware of the high price I had to pay for my recklessness. But my brother, instead of understanding my point of view and agreeing, merely rolled his eyes at me.

"You can't seriously blame yourself for all this...".

"Of course I can! I can because it is my fault! How can you be so dumb not to see it? I healed him once, and then I let him die!".

"Then that would apply for me too!" He's yelling back at me. Wow. I can't help wincing. Donnie hardly ever yells. And when he does... He's really pissed off, and makes the outcome really uncertain. Everybody knows that when I'm pissed I simply explode and snap at everybody, until I eventually cool off. But with him... You just have to brace yourself and wait up.

Just in case it gets worse, I take a step back and notice my hands are still trembling. He gets up from the couch and shoots me an icy glare.

"I could have found a way to heal him when he was only asleep. I could have ignored April and stayed awake to help you and Mikey out. I could have tried to revive him yesterday when he stopped breathing. Did I? No. I gave up hope".

I shake my head, in an attempt to fight tears back.

"You did all you could..."

"And so did you, you stubborn jerk".

Out of nowhere, I feel his arms all around me. I return the hug, burying my face in his neck... Damn it, he is so tall. I don't know if he is crying or not. He lets out small sighs here and there and I slowly close my eyes. I'm surprised to realize I'm calming down faster than when I punch everything around. I have everything under control until Mikey wraps his arms around us. Somehow, I see ourselves from the outside, as if watching a movie: the three of us huddled up next to Leo, none of us speaking or moving. And there's a point where I can't handle it anymore.

I pull away looking down, unable to meet their eyes as I make my way to the exit. I need air. I need to breath. I need to get lost for at least a couple of hours.

I want to believe I'm living a nightmare.

And I must be, because when I return to the lair, one hour later, Leo's gone. I don't find the courage to ask why or where. My eyes barely linger on Mikey, who is sitting on the couch, an unopened pizza box next to him. I simply can't. He doesn't look at me either.

So I march into my room, burrow under the covers.

And pray I will never wake up again.