As I Am

Chapter Twenty-Six

          Twenty-Six

          I feel completely free.

            Though my face is still swollen from crying and tears still linger in the depths of my eyes, as I skip down the steps of the coffee shop, a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Everything seems better. Everything is clear.

            Instead of clouds looming over my plans to visit the graveyard and Cade’s resting place, the sun shines down warmly, but the breeze is still very cool. My hair flies around me crazy, criss-crossing and becoming tangled the closer I get to my destination.

            With the photographs tucked safely in my pocket and along with the box I keep feeling to see if it’s still real, I left Cade’s mother with one of the biggest, most meaningful hugs I’ve ever given. We promised to keep in contact, and I know that I’ll be waiting expectantly for her call.

            The graveyard seems familiar, but in the way where I’ve felt like I’ve seen it before in a movie, or through someone else’s eyes. As I walk up the path and through the black pointed gates, I know where I’m going despite only being here once before. Or at least, I think I’ve been here once before. That whole part of my life seems like it’s foreign to me now.

            The trees that surround the headstones are pretty and I weave through them with watching eyes as the stone path takes me to my destination. A day I dreaded so much, one that I had never even considered doing, is here. And instead of being unhappy or worried or even depressed, I’m content. I smile as I pass all the graves and bushes. This is no longer an unhappy place.

            When I reach him, my breath catches.

            I expected some kind of emotion to stir within me when I saw it, a mix of sadness and longing. But when I see the headstone, it is just that – a headstone.

            As I walk towards it, I imagine him standing there, waiting for me like he always had. But when I reach him, I’m alone, and I crouch down to feel the headstones. I run my fingers along the engravings as if I had carved them myself. His name is written in script, along with the dates, loving son, friend and soul. I know the soul part is for me. Cade’s mother had told me so when she had it done.

            “I miss you,” I murmur, still touching his name. It makes me feel connected to him, as if I’m really touching a part of him because the real him isn’t here. He’s six feet under; an empty shell that used to hold him.

            The sun moves from behind a cloud and I have to tilt my head away and blink the spots from my eyes until I get used to it. When I turn back, the necklace makes a noise as it moves in my pocket.

            “I don’t know how you could have possibly known,” I continue with a smile. “But I’m glad you did.”

            Only one tear falls down my right cheek and I wipe it away, knowing it’s a different kind than before. Today has been a different day than before.

            “I love you, Cade.” I slump down until I’m sitting in the grass, staring at his headstone. I hope he doesn’t mind that I’m technically sitting on top of him, but something tells me he wouldn’t. “I always will.” For a moment, I chew on my lip, debating on whether or not to say more. Whether to tell him about my life now. But if there is a heaven, and he is an angel, I know he’d already be watching me, and he already would know. “You would have loved Evan,” I say with more tears. I stare up at the clouds in the sky. “You two would have gotten along great. He’s sweet, just like you. Honestly, if I hadn’t known better, I could have sworn you were separated at birth.”