Through the Smoke

Chapter 5

No longer requiring a walk, I return home. However, instead of stopping by the kitchen to pour Kelly and I two tall glasses of vitamin C, I head straight to that door we leave closed at all times. There is something behind this door I don't want to see, but now more than ever I feel as though I must. Mia might be right. I'm burying something from the past because I'm afraid of how it will impact the future. Hand raised, the tips of my fingers stroke along the cool doorknob. It isn't locked. All I would have to do is grip it and twist. Nearly choking on fear I drop my hand. Can't do it. It's too hard and filled with too much uncertainty.

"You can do it," an encouraging voice says. I look toward the left where my wife stands in her pajamas. Our gazes locked Kelly softly smiles. "I'm here for you. I'm right here, Jordan."

"I don't want to," I whisper while my palms turn clammy. Walking up to me, Kelly takes my right hand, places it on the doorknob and leaves hers pressed to the back of it. Once she mentions we'll open the door together I shake my head. "I kissed Mia. We just kissed outside her house." Part of the reason I confessed is because I want to be honest. The main reason I confessed is because I thought it might distract her current objective to assist me in opening the mysterious door. However, I figure out I was wrong when Kelly doesn't appear sad, angry or shocked by the news.

"That's okay." Kelly's smile confuses me more than all algebra problems combined from my high school days. "It makes sense."

Makes sense? What does? What could possibly make sense about me, a happily married woman out of the blue sharing a kiss with the new neighbor? "Huh? I cheated on you, Kelly."

Since her hand is still atop mine she brushes her fingers from side to side. "No, love. If anyone is having an affair it's you and I because I'm not your wife and it's time for you to face the truth. Reality hurts but you need to face it." Concerned eyes shift toward the door. "Start by turning that knob."

"Kelly..."

"Time for you to wake up, Jordan." Just that quickly her outfit changes from pajamas to a pair of slacks, a blouse and a white lab coat. A badge clipped above her breast pocket shows a headshot of her smiling, the words Dr. Kelly O'Connor, Psychiatrist printed next to it.

"No." I shake my head as the desperation to continue residing within a clueless bubble persists. "This, no. Put your pajamas back on and let's go to bed." I try to remove my hand from the doorknob, but she won't let me. I try pleading through watery eyes. "Don't make me go in there."

"I'm not." Although the smile is faint it's filled with such an incredible amount of tenderness. "You want this. It's the only reason we're standing here instead of in bed drinking juice. You're ready to open the door even if you don't believe you are. This world you created for us, what we could have been if we hadn't broken up is nice, but it's false. I knew you were about to have a breakthrough when Mia moved in next door. And your latest book, which is based on your own childhood? You wrote out your life story." Kelly smiles again. "That's good. You're making progress.

"Open the door, Jordan."

"I want to go to bed," I say, sounding closer to four than thirty-four. "Let's go to bed, okay, baby?"

"You have control of this world. If you really wanted to go to bed we would be there. That's not what you want. This," Kelly raises her arms while looking along the hallway, "is make believe." She knocks on the door. "Reality is beyond there. The only way you stand a chance of healing is to deal with it."

A burst of courage causes me to grab the doorknob, twist it and push the door open. Greeted by darkness, I step forward and feel along the wall for the light switch, gasping when the room is illuminated. Pink. Pink is everywhere including the bedspread, curtains, a large toy chest...even the carpet is a soft, pale pink. A small table is positioned near the window with a miniature pink plastic chair on either side of it. Atop the table is an open coloring book along with a box near overflowing with crayons. So many stuffed animals surround the room, a duck, teddy bear and a penguin resting on the gorgeous four-poster bed.