A Junkie's Journal

Eighteen

edited (11.13.16)
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Letter One
Hi, Mom and Dad. I'm sorry for being a huge disappointment. You were probably expecting to have a successful daughter; instead, you have a son that can't and won't get anywhere in life. Even though you guys always told me you'd accept me no matter what, I feel as though you two don't accept the fact that I'm failing. It's obvious to me that I'm failing to live my life the way I should be, failing to make people around me happy and proud, failing school, and failing at everything else that I can think of. Although I understand why you two don't accept that, you both need to start facing reality: I'm not going to amount to anything in life. I'm worthless to the world, and I didn't deserve to be born. If it was possible, I would have gave up my spot on the earth to someone more deserving. That's the reason why I started losing my grip on my sanity and let myself turn to drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, and self harm. The daughter you once had would never do that to herself, but your son is a different person. I'm waiting for you guys to see that, since you both have picked up on things going on with me earlier than others.
I want to apologize for turning my life to shit when I had so much potential. It sucks that the life I had before is gone, but I can't get it back if I tried. Drugs and depression aren't letting me go now that I'm in their grasp, and they're not planning on letting me live anytime soon. I'm also truly sorry for crushing and snorting my pills in the first place. When I took the first pill from the bottle, I didn't think of the consequences. I didn't think about how it'd affect my life or my family; a part of me wishes I would've, but the other part doesn't regret a thing. Maybe the 'good' part of me is the daughter you had before, and the 'bad' part is the son of yours I am now. I wouldn't be here without you guys, so all I want to do is please you, but I've run out of ways to do that.
I can never thank you both enough for raising me to be a nice person and teaching me useful things. Even though I don't really live with you anymore, I've learned a lot from you and that's more valuable than most things in this world. I miss you two and my brother and sister every single day. Whenever I see things at the store that my siblings would want, or hear things that you guys would say, I feel a deep loneliness in my chest. Maybe I'm mistaking the feeling of guilt for loneliness - they both make my chest tight in the same way. The guilt is probably present because I just up and left all of you to move here. You guys probably missed me at first, but now that I've been gone for so long, you've probably moved on with your lives. Who needs me when you have better people, like my siblings?
I'll never stop thinking about all of you and the mistakes I've made. I love you.

Letter Two
Hey there, Sam. I want to start this letter off with a simple 'thanks.' Thank you for coming into my life. I know I've told you this a lot, but you're my angel. You came into my life when I was at my worst, and you're slowly fixing me. You're making me realize that there's more to life than drugs and alcohol - you're in the middle of rewiring my thought process, but I'm afraid it'll revert. You give me a reason to get out of bed and keep living. When I feel alone, I know that I can talk to you, because you can make me feel better in an instant.
I really appreciate you, even though it doesn't seem like I do sometimes. I like when we talk all day because I enjoy being in your presence, even when we don't talk for hours. I could stare at you for days and not get tired of you, because you're absolutely breathtaking. You're as close to perfect as someone can get. You make me want to become a better person. Now that all the sappy stuff is said and out of the way, it's time to move on to the sad stuff.
I feel like I disappoint you by not doing or saying some of the things I should, and I also feel like I'm not good enough for you. You're something great and I'm something not-so-great, to put it simply. I'm so in love with you that it scares me; I've never loved someone as much as I love you. I'm scared that you'll leave me someday because everyone leaves me. The question I ask myself every day is, "Should I start preparing myself for the loss of the greatest thing that's ever happened to me?" The day I lose you is the day that I'll lose myself. I think I'll go crazy when you leave, to be completely honest. The thing is that I know that you'll leave, and all I can do is enjoy you while you're still here.

Letter Three
Hello, Focalin, Ambien, Oxycodone, and all the other drugs I've tried. Even though I love you all dearly, you have fucking ruined me. You stole my life from me.
Focalin, I wish I could force you out of my life. It's hard because I have to swallow you every morning and afternoon - the temptation to hide you in my sleeve or mouth is too strong. I wish I never went to the psychiatrist and got a prescription for you, because you wouldn't have taken over my life, my brain, and my soul. I am you now. I do what you tell me, and I do what you know is the wrong thing for me, because you have all the power. I'm not in control of my life anymore; you are. Fuck you.
Even though you were there for me when no one else was, I can't let this go on anymore. You have caused me and everyone else that cares about me pain. You make me feel euphoric for minutes, but that is nothing compared to the happiness that comes from being around loved ones. The euphoria doesn't outweigh the pain and despair.