A Junkie's Journal

Six

edited (10.23.16)
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Tristan's love life was kind of complicated.
He was currently dating someone, but their relationship was very unhealthy.
It was kind of sad, but if someone had drugs in one hand and his partner in the other, telling him he had to choose one, he would choose the drugs. The fact that Tristan even had thoughts about those kinds of situations made him feel frustrated and confused. He loved his partner, right? Why would he choose drugs over them?
Tristan's partner was his first thought and last thought. The thoughts that came right after his partner were about drugs. Snorting drugs, holding handfuls of pills and capsules, and the high. Oh, God, the high. He scratched his arms whenever he thought about drugs to try to get himself to stop, but he couldn't stop. He'd never be able to stop.
Tristan always had trouble trusting others. He used obsessive-compulsive behaviors to cope with his trust issues. Since he had these issues, he had no real friends. He didn't even know how he was in a relationship with someone in love with him.
Before he met his partner, he thought he was incapable of loving someone. He'd never fallen in love with someone. Tristan worried that if he ever fell in love with someone, they would break him.
The relationship between Tristan and his partner was the first serious relationship he'd ever had. Him and his partner had broken up so many times that he lost count. Every single time his partner broke up with him, he felt like he'd lost a part of himself.
However, Tristan had also broken up with his partner. He didn't know how they felt after the break up, and he wished he knew.
His partner said that they were tired of constantly worrying about Tristan. He felt his heart drop to his stomach after he read the text. He didn't want anyone to ever be worried about him, because he was fine. He was fine. He had to keep repeating that phrase to himself - he was fine. He was fine.
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Tristan crushed and snorted three pills that night. He promised his partner that he wouldn't snort anything anymore, but his partner had broken up with him again and now he was free to do whatever he wanted. He could fuck around to try to fix his broken heart, he could crush and snort pills whenever he wanted, and he could get drunk whenever he pleased. Life was great.
Tristan was too high to think straight. He would be crying right now because his partner just left him, but he didn't feel a thing. Was this how he wanted to be?