A Junkie's Journal

Thirteen

edited (11.8.16)
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During Tristan's seventh grade year, he had friends, but they hurt him more than helped him. A girl he was friends with at the time, Adelyn, introduced him to cutting, smoking, and disordered eating behaviors. One time, they both cut in an English class they shared; that was how unhealthy their relationship was.
Tristan became conscious of his body and weight. He had been called "chubby" a few times in the past, but he hadn't taken it too seriously. He was 5'2 and weighed 129 pounds the first time he stepped on a scale. Around three weeks later, with Adelyn's help, he weighed 113.
Adelyn was Tristan's motivation to restrict calories. She was stick thin and she kept telling Tristan things like, "I can almost see my ribs!" with a body check attached to the text. Tristan hated himself for not being as thin as Adelyn; he cut every place on his body that he could.
Later during the school year, Tristan had been smoking cigarettes after school in his room for weeks. One day, after he came home from school, his mother asked if he wanted to go to Starbucks. He replied, "Sure, just let me grab something from my room." Once he was in his room, he opened his window and lit a cigarette. A few minutes later, his mother yelled to Tristan, "What's taking you so long?" Tristan was still smoking; since he was taking so long, his mother walked in his room to check on him. Tristan got caught, but he didn't get in very much trouble; he was just told not to do it again.
During Tristan's ninth grade year, he became closer with a friend named Colton. Colton was texting a different friend one day, and his friend didn't know which Tristan he was talking about, since there were multiple Tristans that went to their school. She originally thought it was a different Tristan than him, but then she realized who Colton was talking about and said, "Oh, you mean the kind of chubby boy?" Colton sent Tristan screenshots of their texts, and Tristan freaked out. His disordered eating habits were coming back, and that conversation didn't help. He grew an inch from seventh grade and got down to 104.4 pounds during the school year; that was his lowest weight.
Currently, Tristan was in tenth grade. Sometime during December of 2015, he purged for the first time. After he figured out how to purge, Tristan started purging food and drinks, and he was more terrified thinking about gaining weight than ever before. He was a mess, and no one could see it.
Tristan struggled with some kind of substance abuse disorder, disordered eating habits, and social anxiety. He would get panic attacks whenever he left the house because his mind played tricks on him. He only ate in the mornings and late at night. He crushed and snorted pills whenever he got the chance. He was falling apart.
He didn't deserve the life he had. Hell, he didn't even deserve a roof over his head. What did he deserve?