Hello, and welcome to the History of Rome.
The Chairsniffa Version.
Episode Two :- Romulus and The Great Poo-tang Robbery.
Recap :- In the last episode, I covered the events leading up to the founding of Rome. Aeneas escaping from Troy and landing in Italy. Becoming King of the Latins. His descendants, Numitor Skywalker and Amulius Vader, and finally Romulus and Remus.
Today I will discuss the life of Romulus, the First King of Rome. The first of the legendary Seven Kings Of Rome. Brash, charismatic, and possessing questionable morality, he made three great Player speeches that made him amongst the greatest Players of the ancient times, and perhaps the greatest mass kidnapper bar none. Here I recount my translation of the text concerned.
1. Billboards Invented.
Romulus needed to get some settlers in to assure Rome's survival.
So he did an advertising blitz with the slogan "Give me an 'R'. Give me an 'O'. Give me an 'M'. Give me an 'E'. What does that spell?" on freshly made wooden billboards all around Italy, before realizing everyone was illerate, and so due to mistranslation, some thought it spelled out as drug, some thought it said porn, and still others thought it said Cafe Latte On The Go. Thus all Romulus attracted were the dregs of society. Fugitives, escaped slaves and debtors. Hippies, emo's and a few irate and very confused coffee drinkers.
And when they arrived in Rome, King Romulus began to decieve and confuse them, by announcing "I just locked all the gates so you don't escape. Welcome, founding fathers of Rome, to... Rome."
Footnote :- The Arabica Bean was not farmed and used in large scale until around 1000 A.D., and reached Europe through Ottoman Turkey during the Renaissance period. Or so historians would have us believe. Indeed, my translation of the texts concerned, poses serious doubts regarding this, and points toward ancient romans being caffiene addicts.
2. The Legion.
"Let us go!" one voice yelled.
And King Romulus tried to admonish them as his armed henchmen surrounded the crowd, beginning the first of his three epic Player speeches..
"Now, hear me out. I know your abit touchy right now, but listen, because I got one word. Poo-tang."
The word poo-tang drew gasps in the crowd, for they were all males.
"....poo-tang?" another voice questioned. "What do you mean... poo-tang?"
And Romulus said "You know exactly what I mean. I can guarantee you that, and more!"
Many of the abducted males were transfixed by the P word, the others were thoughtful and calculating, their P word being how they could Profit from this situation.
"....so whats the catch?" another voice in the crowd asked.
"You need to fight for it," Romulus said. "That's all. And because I am Romulus and am on a divine mission to build the greatest city in the world, I can guarantee you poo-tang! For I am the son of Mars. Victory is assured. War is my specialty. And thus, all of those who can fight and also afford their own weapons, congratulations. Your the First Battlearmagedolegion."
Taken aback by the weird name, a voice yelled "Too many syllables. We are too illiterate to say that! Shorten it!"
And the king said "Oh, well alright. Armagedolegion it is. Now, I want all those who can afford weapons and can fight to move over here and the rest of you guys go over there. Remember, this is all for poo-tang."
There was abit of jostling as the crowd split up, bewitched by the promise of poo-tang. After an incident in which an irate coffee drinker had to be ejected for continuously saying 'Would you hurry it up please, I got a business meeting to attend', and some poking of a few leftie 'make peace not war' hippies and emo's into the "make war, peace is for losers' group, there was a shady assemblage of first romans that would soon constitute the pioneer Armagedolegion of Rome.
