Over and Over (Lashton)

Beside You

He sleeps alone.
My heart wants to come home.
I wish I was, I wish I was beside you.

~5 Seconds of Summer, "Beside You"

Luke's POV

When I wake up, Ashton's gone.

After the grogginess wears off, I start to realize.

Ashton. Is. Gone.

Fear seizes me. How could I be so careless? I slept through my phone’s alarm. I was supposed to wake up at 7:30, which is almost always before anybody else, but it’s already 9, and this is all my fault. I will never forgive myself if I find Ashton curled up somewhere, dying, all because I didn’t have the strength to get up a couple hours earlier. I have been so meticulous about watching the damn boy, and I may have just blown it all.

I look over to the other bed to find that Michael's still sleeping, but Calum's gone. I fly out of bed in seconds, not bothering to pull on a shirt, and sprint to the bathroom. I twist and rattle the doorknob uselessly. It's locked. And I’m on the wrong side of the door.

No, no, no.

The door can't be locked. Can't. Nope nope nope. Heart racing, I raise a shaky hand and knock on the wood of the door. For a second, there is only quiet, a reminder that I may have just screwed the entire band over.

"What?" Calum's irritated voice answers.

It's not Ashton inside that bathroom.

But I'm not out of the woods yet. Ashton could be anywhere. He could be drinking in the kitchen, or burning himself with a lighter. He could be hanging himself somewhere or shooting himself or overdosing on pills. There are so many ways Ashton could harm himself or worse, commit suicide.

I hurry into the mini kitchen of the hotel suite first. That’s where the little hotel matches are, and where we put some of the pill bottles.

Oh, lord.

The stupid dope is making himself breakfast.

He looks up and smiles, more brightly than anybody else could this early in the morning. I exhale, the tension leaving my limbs. "Do you want anything?" Ashton asks cheerfully. I’d really like to slap the smile off his face. Even if it is my fault. He knows that I worry whenever I can’t find him.

He's always okay in the mornings. The mornings are when the sadness hasn't remembered to come back to him yet. The mornings are when he hasn't read the bad tweets yet, and he still has enough energy to muster up a smile. The mornings are when he acts like he did before he started cutting again.

"No," I say, heading straight for the coffeemaker. "No, I'm fine. Thanks."

"What's wrong?" he asks, frowning. "Please say you're not worrying about me yet." Just like that, his shoulders sag as he remembers us talking last night and all the things he probably read. The light dulls in his eyes

I shrug. "I woke up this morning and you were gone. I'm still coming down from that."

Ashton approaches from behind and pulls me in for a hug. I want to be mad at him, but I can't be mad at him for making himself breakfast. I'm happy that he's even eating anything. So I relax and let my body lean into his. For a minute, I'm pretty sure we both forget everything and just feel.

Just then, Calum walks in sleepily. "Get a room, guys."

As if burned, Ashton and I spring apart, fighting to keep the red off our faces. "God, Calum, you ruin everything," Ashton says cheerfully.