That I Would Be Good

Chapter Twelve

“Sometimes it seems safer to hold it all in, where the only person who can judge is yourself.” ― Sarah Dessen

A month later…

     I sat outside the emergency room my face in my hands, trying to ignore the crying I was hearing from my mom.  She was sobbing and I swear everyone in the building could hear her.  My dad tried comforting her by hugging and patting her back, but it did nothing.  The only thing it did was make her cry more.

    Fritz had woken up in the middle of the night in scrutinizing pain.  I could hear him yelling in pain all the way down the hall to my bedroom.  We called 911 and were at the hospital within ten minutes.  When we got there they wouldn’t tell us how he was doing, but I had the feeling it wasn’t too good.

    It was three in the morning and all I wanted was to know how my brother was doing, my mom to stop crying and to sleep.  I was suffering from a migraine and sleep sounded like the best thing for it.  Don’t get me wrong, I was terrified about Fritz, but when I get stressed out all I want to do is sleep.  It calmed me down. 

     He hadn’t been doing too well the past couple of weeks.  He’d lost more weight and he always seemed to be sleeping or laying down for one reason or another.  It was obvious he was in pain all the time and trying to hide it.  Everyone knew he was in pain though, but ignored his feeble attempts at hiding it for his sake. 

    Since he started to become more decrepit I’d left my room, trying to make the most of the time with him I could.  Although I was still mad at him for telling my parents, I didn’t want to regret the little bit of time I had left with him sulking in my room. 

     When I spent time with him we’d just watch TV or listen to the radio, the Top 40 shit he liked.  I would roll my eyes and make a snide remark; he’d just chuckle and hum along to the song.

     The sound of sneakers hitting the tiled floor, made me jerk my head up.  My parents were standing, preparing themselves for the news about my brother.  We’d been here for about four hours and hadn’t heard anything about him.  I hoped it was because they were busy making sure he was getting comfortable and stable.  The other alternative, would be trying to keep him alive, and I didn’t want to think about that.

    I couldn’t think about what it would be like without my brother in the world.  What would I do without him?  Who would be there to smooth things over when my parents and I got into arguments?  Who would be there when I needed someone to take care of me, even if it was just for a few hours to sleep off a hangover?  Who would be there to be my brother?

    “Mr. and Mrs. Sawyer?” the woman in a blue pair of scrubs asked, standing in the middle of the room.  My parents stood up instantly and rushed over to her, I got up and followed, but stayed a few feet back, not wanting to get too close to hear the news.  Like the impact of it would knock me off my feet.

    “How is he?” my dad asked, rubbing small circles into my mother’s back while she sniffled into a tissue trying to compose herself.

    The doctor bit her lip, and put her hands together, like she was trying to hold herself together.  My mom started crying more then.  My dad put up the bravest face he could, and choked back a sob.  “He… didn’t make it.  I’m sorry.”  I stared at her, I felt myself go numb.  It was like what she just said went through me and took all the feeling I had away.  Everything.

    The doctor gave a small bow of her head and walked off, leaving my parents there clinging to each other sobbing.  I watched from my spot a few feet away.  I couldn’t move.  I didn’t know what to do.  And then just like that, I fell.