True Beauty

Chapter 6

Recap:

I stared at the razor again, before reaching for it. I flicked off the light, only the light from the television lighting up my room, the faint voices mumbling in the background. I held it to my wrist, and..

Nikki

 "Nikki!" My mother's voice rang through the house, causing me to drop the razor quickly. She's coming! I thought, hurrying to hide it again. The door to my room opened, "Nikki?"

"Yes?"

"Don't forget to set your alarm for tomorrow. I'm going to bed now."

"I'm not going back tomorrow."

"Yes you are, Honey. It might be better."

"No, I'm not! I'm dropping out. I'm old enough now to make my own decisions!"

"Nicole, you're going." Her voice was calm, but stern, and in all honesty, it scared me.

She disapeared, closing the door behind her. And, then, I don't know why I did what happened next. I jumped to my feet, gripping the door handle. I swung it open quickly, screaming at her. My words came quick, and my mind didn't register most of the words.

"I hate you! You're the worst mom ever! You hate me!"

"Nicole," She warned.

"I hate you! I'm not going back, and you can't make me! I hate you!"

"Nicole," My father appeared behind her, "You need to go to your room."

"No! Stop treating me like I'm a little girl! I'm not going to school, or my room, and you can't make me."

They stared at me for a minute, and I knew this wasn't going to end well. My mother errupted in anger, and my dad wrapped his arms strongly around her waist to stop her from attacking me.

"You're selfish and disrespectful! I paid good money for you to go to that school! You're going and that's final!"

I turned, storming back to my room and slamming the door. I fell onto the bed, crying.

"And, you're grounded!"

I laughed a little to myself. It wasn't like I had friends to text, she could have my phone if she wanted. It wasn't like I talked to people on Facebook, take the computer too. It wasn't like I went out, I didn't have anyone to go anywhere with, so telling me I had to stay in the house was nothing new.

But still, I cried. I cried because of the fight with my parents and the fight with Morgan. I cried for Trenton, too. So, I lunched forward, gripping the razor tightly in my hands. I took a deep breath, still sobbing. The words echoed through my head, still. Even at home, where I was supposed to be safe, I still heard the words in my head. Fat, Ugly, Worthless, Slut, Whore, Ew!

Why? Why did they do this to me? Couldn't they see how much this hurt me? It hurt. It hurt worse than any physical pain could ever hurt. I had to do this...

"Whore." The title rang in my head as I pressed the blade into my wrist. "Slut." I winced as the blade pierced my skin, digging deep into my arm. "Worthless." The tears flowed more than ever as I dug the blade deep into my skin and pulled it along, leaving behind a path of broken skin and red liquid as the blood flowed from the open wound.

I was worthless. I didn't deserve to live. How could I ever forget? Every day, I was reminded of these two facts. And those who didn't call me names never stuck up for me, so clearly, they didn't care about me, either.

"Fat." I pressed the cold metal blade against my arm once more. If they saw me now, would they care? If they saw how badly this hurt me, would they care?

No.

If they didn't care how much they hurt me with their words, they would never care about how badly they caused me to hurt physically. They wouldn't care. Nobody would care. Everyone had made that far too clear.

"Why?" I asked myself as I dragged the blade along my arm once more, drawing even more blood. Why me? What had I ever done? I had been best friends with the wrong girl. A girl who would love to blame anyone else but herself for her problems.

She had needed to blame her brutal breakup on someone, anyone else, and just like that, she had turned on me. The breakup was my fault. Supposedly, I had been sleeping with her boyfriend. The next thing I knew, rumors were spreading like crazy.

It's funny how people will believe anything that they want to without talking to the person it really involves. Had anyone ever asked me what had happened? No. Nobody cared.

Nobody wanted to know the truth. They just wanted to hear what they wanted to hear, regardless of who it hurt. Rumors spread, and the next thing I knew, the name calling started. How childish- rumors, name calling... I shouldn't care.

It was just a bunch of lies. But it did hurt. I had no friends. Well, I had one, but I couldn't trust her.

I had been best fiends with one other girl, and where had that led me? To lies, rumors, gossip, name calling... And now, any chance that I had had with Trenton. Not that he would ever care about a girl like me. I was fat, I was ugly, I was worthless...

How could I ever forget? "Why?" I asked myself again through my years as I pressed the blade to my skin once more. I hate my life! I thought to myself as the blade dug into my skin once again. I hate my life! I hate my school, I hate my old so-called 'friends', I hate... I hate my life. I hate it! I thought.

Another slash across my arm, leaving yet another open wound, drawing more blood from my arm. I hate my life! I thought. My sadness had turned to anger, ad then to hatred. I hated my life.

My life was falling apart. Nobody cared how much they hurt me. I was just their personal punching bag. And everyone else just turned and looked the other way, acting like they didn't see and hear what was happening.

Everyone else didn't care. They just didn't want to act like I existed. As I lied back on my bed, years still streaming down my face, blood pouring from my arm, I just wanted it all to end. I just wanted my life to end. Nobody would ever stick up for me.

Everyone just went along with it all. Nobody would ever stand up for me. And if they saw me like this, I would be considered a freak, an emo cutter, a depressed psycho. I couldn't win.

My life was over. If only everyone could see me like this. Would they care? No.

No, they wouldn't. They would just bully me even more to push me over the edge. That was what they wanted. And it looked like that was going to happen.

"Why?" I sobbed as I laid back in my bed. At last, I was able to cry myself to sleep. I hurt so badly. But nobody cared. Nobody cared. I was alone. If only people knew how badly bullying hurt. If only they knew and could just understand how I felt...

~♥~

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