Undercover As Geek

The Consternation

Because he is an insurance agent, my father loves to have the state-of-the-art office supplies at home: a fancy desktop computer, a sleek scanner, a nice mahogany desk, and a printer that runs smoother than Michael Phelps in water. He hardly ever uses them, of course, because of his deficient amount of time spent at our house, but I suppose that it's the image that really counts. The only device from his collection that I ever use is the printer, so I can print all my essays for school the night before the due date, instead of the morning of it, because that's when the library is cramped with all of the slacking students trying to finish their assignments at the last minute.

It's an impeccable printer; the mild noises that it creates during its work are just its gentle hums and the teeny clatters of gears as they press the characters on the rectangle of crisp paper. I am listening to it now, watching as it spits out page after page of information branded black against the white.

I pick up the sheets, still warm from the belly of the printer, and thumb through the multiple pages. They are full of the UFOrdinance's theories, written in as much detail as I could stuff into the paragraphs. It was a symbol of my last month's work, a cruel reminder of what I had been doing for Asher. The theories were understandable and even probable, but it wouldn't seem that way for any journalist who picked them up, thirsting for a story. It could easily become a weapon against the geeks. I have to destroy the notes, quickly.

Even if it means I will lose Asher.

The possibility is painful, still, a sick dagger in the gut of my stomach, where I suspect my conscious dwells. Ever since Noah dropped me off a few hours ago, it's been twisting and churning, trying to convince me to change my mind. He is your boyfriend, it reminds me. And he needs you for college! He has done nothing but love you, and how do you repay his affection? You crush his dreams. And I know that it will happen. I remember his desperate emotion when we were in his truck behind Fat Freddy's, when he told me about the scholarship. I imagine that face splintering, shattering, into a million hurt, betrayed pieces when I tell him that I can't give him the research required for his scholarship.

But I can't betray the UFOrdinance by giving Asher the theories either. They trust me, so it wouldn't be right to go back and shove their beliefs in their faces for my boyfriend. "Dilemma" just isn't strong enough of a word for the situation that is tearing my loyalties into a confused knot inside my heart. I can't help the one without hurting the other. I wish I could have both: Asher's love and the UFOrdinance's trust. But I know that I can't, so I'll try to follow the advice of Spock: "the good of the many outweigh the good of the few, or the one". There are more than twenty geeks in the club, including Noah, but only one Asher. The good of the many will outweigh the few. Even if it breaks my heart to do so.

I sigh, turn off the printer and my laptop, and return to my room. It is nearly two in the morning and the rest of my family is asleep. I had tried to fall asleep too, at eleven, but to no avail. My eyes stayed wide open with the decision that I'd made hours before. Finally, after twisting and turning until my sheets were tangled between my legs, I got up and printed the theories I had typed on Sunday. I don't know why I did it-- maybe just to have something to hold on to that represented the chaos in my brain. It was an impulse that drove me my father's printer half an hour ago.

The bed squeaks as I hop back onto the mattress. Moonlight shoots through the blinds covering my window and hits the papers with its eerie light, highlighting specific sentences. Sighing, I trace the dark letters and think. Maybe I can burn it. But where? It's almost summertime: no one will have their fireplaces working. I could rip it into shreds in front of Asher, to prove a point. But that would just seem barbaric, and Asher would be more hurt than if I just tell him outright.