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Hi mom, It's been a while know, things have been a little crazy recently, But its starting to calm down now. I settled inside a nice room and four walls of hopelessness since the last three months.Its actually really beautiful here, the air is crisp. Red bricks and golden leaves at the moment. Some parts remind me of home. And I miss it. I miss it a lot sometimes. Feels like I was just a kid when I left. I wonder what you think I'm like now. Do you miss me? Is there a hole in your life? What did the neighbors think of me leaving? I suppose it was going to happen one way or the other. But I had hoped I'd be able to stay a little longer. I remember what you said to me when I was siting inside my room with blood redhands all over your second husband shirt, and you weren't shocked, like you already knew it was going to happen one way or the other, You paused for a moment said, "I can't see you kill yourself, You have to go" The things that must have been going through your mind that moment. I felt like I had died when I saw the looks on your faces when the pieces fit in. But you didn't scream. You didn't swing for me. I don't know what happened, but you were calm I guess the mother in you took over. You gave $90 in my poket and said,was time for me to go, and to stop this madness that I was causing myself. You held my hand and looked me into the eyes said, "Run"
And I tried mom. I really did. For a long time. And I am still trying mom. But sudden feeling of loneliness struck my soul. The need of home and the importance of home, I can now feel. Now I know, what shelter and freedom is. A sudden dept in my emotions bewildered me. Fragile and vulnerable I became. I could only feel the pain and grieving I caused you and dad. I feel insecure and unwanted right now. I met a couple just outside of my office, They are really cute and friendly. She is a little flirty but he's okay with that. They are such adorable people. They offered me a place to stay. Now I know what you are going to think but don't worry it will only be for a night or two. Just enough time to do what I do. I caused way too much pain to you guys and my friends. I regret all the mistakes I made. I feel sorry for all my sins. But I cant change who I am mom. I just want to be free now. I always dream that even after all this I would go home and run into your arms and you would forgive me for my mistakes. Deep inside I hate myself more now. Everyone told me I should forget my past but it seemed impossible for me. The suffering and pain is to big to get unnoticed.
So when they were sleeping after good conversations with red wine and talking about future marriage and what they were going to name their children, I mixed some sleeping pills in their soups at the correct amount. When they were conscious, I tied both of them with a black duct tape I found inside their house. First I pulled the guy out the the bed and dragged him to the shower tub and started cutting his thigh muscles, He was tied up so he barely couldn't even move, that poor fellow, After that I stabbed him multiple times until his heart stopped and blood sparkled all over my face. It was so beautiful to notice, the girl was horrified seeing me cook his flesh with spicy peppers and eating my main course, It was tasty in fact. So after I was done with him, I made my way to the living room and the girl was tied up, I took a large iron rod and crushed her head after forcing myself into her and made a perfect masterpiece on her wall with her blood all over. But I am trying my best to control myself. Well people are beautiful things. Three months is a long journey for anyone. But I'll get better someday soon and I'll come to you. But I am afraid I might get lost inside this land while trying to find myself. Cause these people also had the similar fate like I did. And they are the misfit toys like me. I wish we all get better. As you told me mom, everyone deserves a second chance. And I am going to find that girl from the NA meeting soon. She has to be my next target. I am sure about it.
