My Future, Past & Present

Chapter Eleven (unedited)

This may be upsetting to some people so discretion is advised PG13!!!

I know people say its hard to interpret when I start off a chapter with a flash back so warning this chapter starts with a flash back

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Chapter eleven

James and I spent the afternoon of my mothers funeral lying on my bed watching movies, well James did I spent the time, lying on my bed numbly staring at the films. I didn't have the most stellar relationship with my mother, but I loved her she was my mother. I still couldn't believe she was gone, it was still as if she would walk through the front door and call out to me.

She wrote me a letter, a suicide note really....

         Dearest Phoebe,

         The day we brought you home from the hospital was the happiest day of my life, you were so              tiny, you were so precious and I couldn't believe how much I loved you.

        This world ended up sucking the life out of me, over the past few years I know I haven't been              there for you, I have been so selfish with my own pain. I never wanted you to see me as the               women I have become, Its my time to say goodbye.

        I'm sorry darling, never forget I love you.

        Mother Dearest

I had slept with that letter under my pillow since it happened. As I thought about it I started crying, big gulping shuddering tears, James held me against him and let me cry. 

"Shhh, its ok" he said and started kissing me. I was so confused I kissed him back, it felt so good to be loved, to be needed. After awhile his hands started to wander, he took off his shirt and kissed my neck, he then unbuttoned the front of my dress and began kissing my chest.

I just kept thinking what am I doing? Do I want to do this? Do I want my first time to be like this? to numb the pain of loss?

As he began to undo my bra and slide down my underwear, it registered I didn't want it to be like this!

"No, James no" I said at first whispering then louder "No!"

"Shh it's ok, it wont hurt anymore in a minute." James said and carried on

"No, please stop, please I don't want to" I began panicking, I tried to push him off but he was stronger than me, and held me by my wrists above my head, the look in his eye was the same as when he hit me but this time there was something else, he was determined, he was looking at me like I was nothing more than a toy he was going to use.

After awhile I stopped saying no and fighting, I just lay there, with tears rolling down my cheeks, I focused on the blinking red light of the tv.

James feel asleep not long after, I didn't know what to do,  I had noone left to go to, no one would believe me anyway.

I sat on the floor of the shower with the water on ice cold pouring down on me, my whole body in a shivering mess, my body wasn't even shivering from the cold, it was shivering from loss, and the disgust of the person I now was, unlovable.

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The date with Scott was a great day, it was the kind of date that was made for a movie. It had ended with a long lingering kiss that neither of us had wanted to end, but Scott had his junior rugby teams game first thing and I had a brunch date with Jodi.

Not long after I had climbed into bed with a big grin, that the phone rung, I initially panicked thinking something was wrong with Lucy it was after 12.

"Hello, Lucy are you ok?"

"Hey sorry, its just me" Scott said, the initially panic receded and I was smiling again.

"Can't stay away?" 

"I just wanted to say thank you for an amazing night, and to say goodnight again." A warm feeling filled me, it was nice to be with a guy who enjoyed my company however it came.

We spoke for a short while, before saying goodnight.

I feel asleep and for once dreamed of happy things, of the future instead of the past.

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I wasn't a bad cook, I just wasn't good, my specialty was cereal and mac n cheese, thankfully both Lucy loved.

So Jodi and I had decided to meet at once of the local cafes for brunch. 

When we arrived we took our usual table by the fire, it was a small intimate cafe most of its patronage was of locals who lived near by. We ordered our usual, 2 skinny lattes, french toast and banana's for Jodi, and eggs Benedict with salmon for me.

In Jodi's normal fashion she jumped right in.

"So tell me hows Mr Masters?" she said while stirring equal in to her coffee.

I contemplated for a minute, licking the spoon clean. "I don't know how to describe it Jod's I feel safe, I feel happy, I feel its all too good to be true, I just keep waiting for the world to come down."

"Babes hes a great guy, he patiently waited for a year for you to even say yes! I like him I think he's good for you, I haven't seen you smile like that in a long time." Jodi emphasised the good points in my head, Jods was a good judge of character, so maybe she was right.

"Maybe your right. So what's been happening in your world, have you found prince charming yet."

"HA! prince charming no, but I have been out on a few dates with this guy, he seems nice enough" Jodi blushed, she never blushed!

"Your blushing! Tell more! He must be more than nice to make you turn that shade of beetroot!"

Jodi went on to tell me about Seth, he was a well known writer, he wrote crime novels, I had read one a few years ago and he was good I had his latest on my bedside table. He was also known to be a hermit, only coming out on the rare occasion for public appearances, the complete opposite to Jodi, but she seemed to be settling down with the hermit, who would have thought! 

We said our goodbyes after a couple of hours and discussed the possablity of a double date in the next couple of weeks.

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I got home five minutes before Lucy was due to arrive home. I had gotten distracted on my way back to the car, the sparkling shoes in the window had called me, I ended up walking out with 3 pairs of shoes and 2 pairs of boots, what the hell I deserved it! 

Just as I went to go back out to the car to grab the last of the bags a black SUV pulled up, it had tinted windows, but I knew instantly it was Lucy. She climbed out of the car, and came running to me talking a mile a minute.

"Mummy, Whitney has a pony, its name is Sugar Apple, cause it likes sugar and apples and I got to ride him in the paddock, can I get a pony mummy, pleassssssssssssse"

My attention was focused on her, the amount of excitment. " No munchkin, you can't have a pony, but maybe you can have some lessons." 

Then I looked up and saw him I dropping the bags in my hands, its as if it happened in slow motion. The man who stepped of of the drivers door of the SUV, was him, Lucy's father, it was James.........

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I know this contains so touche subjects, I hope I have given them justice they deserve, I know it seems like everything possible has happened to Phoebe in this book but all these things do happen to people and its horrible.

I wasn't sure about this chapter so let me know!