This is How it Feels: Personal Accounts of Mental Illness

Derealization (@jackalwriter)

I'm not gonna reveal my real name for now, but you can just call me Jackal. You might be thinking, what is derealization? You've probably never heard of depersonalization, either. Surprisingly, it is a pretty common disorder in teenagers. Including me.

I have anxiety as well. I had it for a little before I was affected with DR (short for derealization). I was always on edge, fearful and jumpy. It affected me a lot, varying day to day. Some days just feeling off, other days where I would feel like sobbing and collapsing on the ground because I was shaking so much. But I'm not here to talk about anxiety.

The first time I felt derealization holds a very distinct memory in my mind, which says a lot now. It was on a school day around 10:15. 3rd hour gym. I was running, and every voice sounded disconnected. The world looked blurry, even with my glasses on. My head was pounding, but there wasn't pain. It felt like my brain was yelling at me, saying that it wasn't real. I was so confused. Every sit-up with my eyes closed, I felt more and more confused. I felt scared, in all honesty.

My friends noticed that I was even more off at lunch. I was grabbing my head and frustrated, shaking quite a lot, and looked really upset. I told them how I felt, and they looked even more confused than I did. I was a bit of a mess for the rest of the day. As soon as I got home, I emailed my best friend. She told me about DR and DP, as she suffers from DP. I told her how I felt, and after asking me a few questions, she said I might have been dealing with derealization. 

I was terrified by the thought of it. But I wasn't afraid to accept it. I was tired of dealing with all of this. I was done for the day. I didn't want to do anything except disappear.

It varied every day. Somedays, I just felt like the world was fuzzy. Other days, the world would seem like it ceased to exist, and my head would pound. I often saw visual snow, which made my vision look staticky. On bad days, my vision would fill with static, blur, and even completely black out. My friends noticed an ever-growing change in me. I was becoming quiet, reserved, and depressed. I would barely eat because of how I felt. But no matter what the day was like, there was never any true connection. It was gone.

My parents were no help. No matter how much I stressed that I wasn't feeling good, they just told me to relax.When I heard about the romanticization of mental disorders, I became confused and a little angry. First off, how could anyone find a mental disorder romantic? From my experience, people merely thought I was weird or crazy. Having derealization does not get you the person of your dreams. Far from it. "Oh, John, I don't feel real, let's fall in love," said nobody ever. So a message to the media. Quit making things that are terrible look amazing. Because it's not.

Derealization is a chronic condition. But that doesn't mean your life is going to be ruined if you get it. It's going to be an extra challenge, yes, but it's going to be okay. I don't have a success story yet, but I'm determined to have one someday. 

Anyway, I hope I helped shed light on derealization. I feel like it is important for people to know about.