This is How it Feels: Personal Accounts of Mental Illness

Mental Illnesses (@SpencerCalgon)

I've been around mental illness my entire life. It runs in my family. My grandma is bipolar, has been married three times, and attempted suicide twice that I know of. She depends a lot on other people to get stuff done for her, and take care of her. I guess that's what made my mom the way she is. She's got all sorts of stuff going on in her head, but the one I see most often is the narcissism.

I looked into it, and there's a good many support groups for people with narcissistic mothers. I don't really know what a "normal" mother is supposed to act like, but mine makes me feel like she only loves me for what I can do for her. I'm really into art, and she's constantly asking me to make something for her or show all of my work to her friends. And then she tells them, "She is so talented. Isn't that amazing?" It seems great, but that's all she needs me for. Once her friends have seen all my work, she starts criticizing me. "Oh, you went shopping, Katherine? Spencer hates shopping. She just sits there with her arms crossed and doesn't speak." Then she laughs like it's a big joke. She does the same to my other siblings.

But that's just in public. At home, it's the same criticism, but much more poisonous. "I'm tired of your attitude. You have to come out of your room. You're not making me feel loved." What she doesn't understand is that I do love her, I just don't love being criticized by my whole family when I do leave my room.

I guess my thinking it a little clouded, because I'm also a narcissist. There are two different kinds. The classic narcissist, like my mom and my sister, and the malignant narcissist. The malignant narcissist feels that she needs to be punished for everything she does, because she's the worst person ever, while the classic narcissist feels she is the best person ever. Even though I haven't been professionally diagnosed (because my mom doesn't want to admit there's anything wrong, so no psychiatrist), I figure I have a good cocktail of mental illness going on in my head.

I have anxiety. Generalized, social, and agoraphobia. I'm tense and jumpy all the time, I get sick in social situations, and I can't breathe in groups of people three or more, especially when they get close to me. I can't drive a car anymore, because I had a panic attack while driving with my whole family in the car. My dad says I should "just get over it" so I can learn to drive. I hate it when the teacher calls on me, even when I know the answer. I'm afraid everyone is judging me. If I miss the answer, everyone thinks I'm stupid, and if I get it right, people think I'm a nerd who just wants to make them feel stupid. 

Depression has shown up only in the last few years. I didn't have an awful childhood, or any traumatic events. I get really tired if I leave my room for a long period of time. Sometimes I just sit and stare at a wall because I can't move. All I want to do is bang my head against a wall. I can usually talk myself out of hurting myself, but it's getting harder and harder. I recently read a few personal accounts of mental illness, and a lot of them include stuff like "I just grabbed the kitchen scissors and went at it." My worst fear is that will happen to me. After I read that, I didn't look at a pair of scissors until I had to use a pair for school, and I couldn't shake the thought of slitting my palm. 

But, recently, I've been worried about being bipolar. I get really bad depression spells that can last for a week or more, but then all of a sudden something snaps, and my brain works a mile a minute. I can finish all of my work quickly and without distraction, and I finish a lot of projects. I can't stop working, though. At least until I come down from the high and hit a low again. There's a few days of normalcy in between, but it doesn't last long. I don't really know much about bipolar disorder, and I don't have any destructive habits (like spending or promiscuity). I guess I'm just a little paranoid, and I'm afraid I'll hurt myself or someone else.

The anxiety has skyrocketed for some reason, and instead of just panicking, I feel the incessant need to scratch. For the first time, I started panicking at school, and I just started scratching. It's escalated. I scratch my scalp and my arms and the back of my neck. Usually, I realize what I'm doing and find something else to do with my hands. But what happens when I don't realize what I'm doing until I bleed? People will ask questions. I'll be labeled insane. 

I'm starting to think I am insane. I check everywhere for cameras, and my blinds stay shut all the time. I change facing a wall so no one can see me, even though I am totally alone. I keep my eyes open in the shower, because I'm afraid someone will try to kill me while I wash my face. I'm afraid there's a camera in the drain or the air vent. In school, I talk to myself in my head, and then I say something like "laugh if you can hear me," just to make sure there's no mind readers in my classes. I know that stuff isn't possible, but I can't shake the feeling that it's there.

I guess I have some sort of anger issue, too. I yell a lot, even though half the time I stay completely silent for fear someone will judge me. I don't understand how I can go from this social anxiety ridden hermit to this angry person who's screaming at her friend. There's this one kid who's always trying to pick a fight, and more than once, I've almost taken a swing at him. I stood up, stepping towards him, yelling at him to swing first. One of my good friends finally called my name and snapped me out of it. Then, a few months later, he was arguing with me over the pronunciation of GIF, and I stood up on a table and screamed in his face. I had to walk far away after I realized what I had done. I'm trying to get it under control, but that usually involves clenching my fists so that my nails puncture my palms or biting my tongue with my sharpest tooth.

I still have trouble thinking I should be more "normal." The stigma surrounding mental health isn't great, and I feel awful about the way I act and treat people most of the time. This account and others like it are a real blessing for people with mental health issues. Maybe, because of this account, I'll get some help soon. I really appreciate this campaign and all of its supporters. This is a good community, and I can't express my gratitude enough. Thank you for reading, and thank you for your support. You aren't alone, no matter how alone you feel. Feel free to talk to me, or anyone around you, if you ever feel the need.