My "Cleftie"

Chapter 6: Changes: bad or good?

Life after getting the NAM became a routine. I loved watching Evalyn grow and become aware of her surroundings. I loved how Shauna could make her giggle and squeal. I HATED the bi-weekly trips to Austin. It was so exhausting but necessary. We would leave Sunday morning stay the night, go to the clinic by 8 a.m. for adjustments to the NAM, which was about an hour appointment, then turn right back around and head home so Eloy could be at work early Tuesday morning.

The stress was starting to show on his face, I could see the lack of sleep by the dark circles under his eyes; the lines in his forehead, eyes, and mouth were becoming thicker. He was too young to have so much stress and my depression wasn’t helping. Looking back I had all the signs of post partum depression but I was too focused on getting through each day that I never asked for help or told him how I felt. I took it out on him by starting silly arguments, getting mad at him for stupid reasons. I even started getting annoyed at Shauna when she suddenly became clingy and whiney. She was jealous of all the attention that Evalyn got.

One Saturday, while Eloy was at work, I was playing with Shauna while Evalyn slept next to me on the couch. Evalyn was around 4 months old and weighed about 7 lbs, give or take a few ounces. I put a pillow next to her in case she rolled and went to wash my hands just down the hall. I turned around when I heard Shauna and was running back when I see her carrying Evalyn to me. My heart stopped and I freaked! I didn’t want to scold her and scare her, making Evalyn drop on the tiles. She had her in the funniest way but terrifying for any mother to see. She had her arms out straight in front of her and Evalyn’s arms slung over hers, bodies aligned. When I calmed down and asked her why she did that, her response was “she hungry!”

Shauna would do little things like that to get attention. Once she took a WHOLE can of formula and spread it all over her room. You ask where I was. Asleep, since it was 7 a.m. and she never wakes up before 9. At least that’s what usually happened. Why the big deal about the formula? Let me tell you, formula is like powdered GOLD! It’s expensive and her brand always ran out at the stores. I didn’t even know what to say. She was 2 and didn’t know better. God, there were days I wasn’t sure how I was going to survive without losing it. I tried to split my time between both kids but it felt that I was losing an endless battle. Eloy would try to help but for some reason I was so antagonistic towards him and his efforts. To me, he wasn’t doing it right, he didn’t want to help and was doing it wrong on purpose to agitate me. I think I used him as my “punching bag” (not literal) because he doesn’t say much. I can look back and say that he must REALLY love me or was good at ignoring my craziness to have put up with all that plus the stresses of paying bills and keeping up with work and Evalyn’s bi-weekly appointments. Not once did he snap or tell me that I was acting like a psycho (I totally was! LOL)

Evalyn also was receiving physical therapy for a slight case of plagiocephaly (flat spot on the skull) and torticollis (abnormal alignment of neck and head, basically leaning her head to one side because the muscles were stiff and hard to stretch). The physical therapist (Mrs. P) was coming 2 times a week as well so it felt like all week long it was therapies. She was improving in everything. Feedings were so much easier with the NAM because it created that seal so that she could have better suction. Physical therapy would relax and wear her out so she would sleep better. Evalyn was also starting to sleep through the night or would only wake up about once for a bottle.

By the time 3 months had come and gone it was our goal to get Evalyn to 10 lbs and maintain it so that she could have her lip surgery. She ate really well and often but just would not gain weight. By this time we found out that she had really bad GERDS or Reflux (vomiting) and were seeing a Gastroentologist to see how we could help her keep it from happening all the time. They put her on Reglan 4 times daily to see if would keep her food down. It worked great but Reglan is a scary drug, it has so many possible side effects that I was concerned about using it. I brought it up to the Drs and they both agreed and explained that in small doses and for a short period of time that it was safe. I reluctantly gave in because I hoped that for once luck would be on our side and she would grow out of it like most kids do and because it really did help her and she was slowly but surely gaining weight.

By the time Evalyn was 5 months old she FINALLY reached her goal weight the surgery was scheduled. She was learning to crawl and with the help of Mrs. P she mastered it right before surgery. I was terrified once again because this one was supposed to last close to 2 hours and was going to be a little more painful. Dr K told me that it may take longer because he likes to take his time and make it as perfect as possible and that he is a “perfectionist”.

As we were going through the routine of being admitted to the hospital for surgery every nurse would mention that Dr K was amazing but to expect a long wait because he refused to leave the operation room until he believed it was perfect. This both excited and scared me. I knew that she was going to look amazing but wasn’t sure how I could take the pressure of waiting for a long time. He reassured me that it would be fine and that he was confident that it wouldn’t take long.

Giving Evalyn over to the nurse to take back in to the O.R. was not easy the second time. I tried to act as if I wasn’t bothered or scared but I was. I kept kissing her and hugging her and my arms felt that frozen feeling again where I couldn’t let go. This nurse was more patient then the last because she let me work through it and didn’t show any sign of irritation on having to wait for the crazy mom to let go. As I watched Evalyn being taken through those double doors I couldn’t help but think that they weren’t going to fix her lip but change her face. Are they really fixing her lip? It was necessary but I was so used to seeing her gap that it was Evalyn. Like someone wearing glasses, they can take them off but they look weird or different to you because those glasses are a part of their face. I wondered would I come to hate Evalyn’s new lip?