Self-Control [2] (Twilight]

4.

I agreed with Edward at some point. It was no longer safe for us to stay here. People would start to notice neither of us was growing.

And Bella was no longer safe around us either. Not from me or Jasper. Our control around her was totally over.

I found my reflection on the mirror. A crease in my eyebrows. My eyes, thank God were still gold. Proof that I hadn't actually tasted human blood. I could still see a obscure glimmer in them though, the monster hidden between the innocence. A monster fighting to get to the surface.

A monster I didn't want to let go again. The monster I used to be and didn't want to become.

I sighed, closing up the box I stored my books on.

The door opened and suddenly, Alice was standing in front of me. "I forbid it" she said sternly. I didn't look at her. I knew exactly what she meant with that. My choice. "You were doing well"

"Key word in past tense" I said quietly. "I'm not longer doing well"

My control.

I decided to return to my old ways. To my shell.

Not talking to them. Not looking at them.

"Liz" Alice said softly. My grip on the box tightened. A burn in my eyes. The world turned slightly silver and I clasped my mouth shut. It was instinctively to my thoughts, to my desires of being alone. "Look at me, sweetie"

I didn't. If I did, I was certain she'd fall to my gift. I turned my back to her, closing my eyes and willing the burning to stop. "Please"

Alice noticed the vulnerability in my voice. "Don't shut us out again. I know you're scared of your gifts. I know you don't want to hurt anyone but you know that we can help. We've done it before"

I didn't say anything else. The burn in my eyes faded after a moment but I didn't dare to look at her. My decision firm and unwilling to change.

Alice sighed as if realizing this. "We're not mad or angry though. Just so you know" she said softly. I bit my lip crossing my arms, pointedly ignoring her. "See you downstairs when you're ready"

With that, Alice's presence disappeared from my room. My tense posture relaxed as I looked behind my shoulder, seeing my door closed and that I was alone in my room again.

My eyes burned again but this time for a different reason.

This was my choice even though it hurt and I wanted to cry - something that I couldn't do and I hated -.

~8~

Unlike me, Jasper didn't push our family away. Lucky him. He could interact normally with them. His gift could not hurt more than what mine could.(even though if he wanted to, he could hurt someone. Empaths could be dangerous too)

That night, while watching the stars over the balcony of my room, I sensed a presence and glanced over my shoulder to see Edward, leaning against the doorframe, his head tilted back as his gaze was on the dark sky.

"I'm not going with you" Edward said quietly. I listened but didn't reply. "I..."

"You're punishing yourself" I stated, making it sound as a question.

Edward pursed his lip tightly, glancing at me through the corner of his eye. "I put our family in danger, Liz. I must face my sins alone"

"Something tells me you're going to do something stupid" I said, looking away from him, staring back at the stars.

"Ive been away before" Edward told me. "Nothing has happened"

"You didn't have a mate before" I said and that was it to shut him up.

Maybe I still worried a lot about Bella. We still weren't sure how the bond between a vampire and a human worked. How much it'll affect Bella being far away from her other half. We knew what it could do to us. While not knowing the feeling personally, I've met others who have lost their mates and shared what it felt like. Neither was able to live for that long.

And that worried me. What if something happened to Bella? What if the situation with James happened again and this time we weren't around to protect her? What if...

"Stop" Edward hissed. I looked at him. His fists were clenched at his sides, a glare settled on his face but he wasn't facing me. "I don't know if you were meant for your thoughts to be in display as you tend to have control over them while around me but stop thinking that. I made my choice and I want all of you to respect it. I cared more about you than her"

Doubtful. I made sure to think that very loudly.

"Right" I said after a moment, sighing through my nose. "Good luck out there"

Edward lost the tension on his muscles, walking up from behind me, kissing lightly my temple. "Don't shut yourself from the others, Liz" he whispered softly. "You need them, more than ever"

I didn't answer, but knowing he was right.

In a blink of an eye, Edward was gone from my room, leaving me to my own thoughts. I knew he wouldn't listen again, respecting my privacy when he knew I needed to think without privy ears.