Offbeats

Names

"So...Kyzle?" I ask shoving another forkful of scrambled egg into my mouth.

"Not my son, if that's what you were suggesting." He looks at me from under his brows and smirks. "He's Annie's boy. She's in the room next to mine."

I tilt my head to the side, furrowing my brows. "Annie? See now that's a normal name. But Kipp? Kyzle? Heck, even Janson. Do the boys 'round here just like their street names?"

He laughs, lifting his head. After a long moment of silence- but not the uncomfortable frozen kind of silence- he speaks gently. "Some of us think the people we were before the invasion are gone- dead- and so we find it fitting to choose a new name." He stops again and does not look at me. I wait for him him to continue. "I mean, how can we go on pretending we are what we used to be? Yeah, we might look the same, but how can we be sure our soul- who we are- is still there?" He stops, shaking his head. "I know, I sound like an idiot."

"No." He meets my gaze finally, his eyes pleading with mine to understand. "It makes complete sense. If you want to start over, you do what you can to help you do that." I touch his forearm lightly, just for a moment, to show I know- I understand. "But, I think, this is one of those situations where you find out exactly the person you were meant to be. There's no hiding from who you are in a world like this. So I think the name you had before, that one is the fake."

His eyes open to me then,- like really open- and I see the world inside his eyes. The swirl of blue and green seems endless as he shows me- without really showing me anything- the person he is. So much depth, so many memories, so much and still not enough.

He looks away for a second- maybe embarrassed at what he showed me- and when he looks back, his eyes are back to the way they were- sealed off and dull blue-green in colour.

I smile, which he returns slightly hesitantly.

We eat the rest of our meals in a floaty kind of silence, though I buzz with the energy and life Kipp has shown me.

***

After I swallow my last bite of toast Kipp speaks with a small smile. "Shower?"

"I've never been so desperate." I reply pushing myself up from the metal chair, he does the same and leads me down a hallway off to the right.

We walk quietly until we reach the end of the windowless hall.

"How far underground are we?" I ask, looking at the corners of the white cinder block walls and recalling the dampness of the room I slept in after I fainted.

Before he opens the door before us, he turns to look at me, his right eyebrow raised in question.

"There's some mold in almost every corner of every room." I gesture up at the patch growing above the door. "And of course the windows, or lack there of."

He blows air out of his nose- a quick laugh- a surprised kind of look of his face. Wow, so the girl actually does know something.

"Yes, most of the camp is underground. This main level is only about 50 feet below the surface." He smiles again and looks down at the linoleum floor. "But there is one window, on the top floor, on the surface." He keeps his eyes locked on the floor beneath him, and though I can't see them, I can tell they are alive again, bursting with emotion, sinking with amazing depth, looking like the Earth from space. "It has the most incredible view." He is whispering now. Without meaning to I take a step closer to him. "So much beauty, untouched by them." He spits the last word. A few beats past and the only sounds are our breathing and my heart pounding and seeming to echo off the walls. He finally looks up again his eyes smoldering like a dying wildfire. "I could take you one day."

All I manage to do is nod, a quick desperate kind of nod. Yes, yes, yes please!

He smiles beatifically then turns and pushes through the metal door. "Showers and public toilets are through here," He looks over his shoulder at me. "Chef's creations don't always go down so easy, so the toilets down here come in handy, but I'm warning you now, they don't always smell the best."

I laugh gently and the smell hits me instantly.

"Yeah. It's probably a good thing you missed last night's dinner." He pulls up the top of his shirt to cover his nose and mouth. "The showers are in the next room, thank god, and we can use the other door on the way out."

I cough against the stench as he leads me through the relatively big toilet area and into the next room.

The white small-tiled floor continues into the shower room, but the walls change from black to grey. There are about twelve stalls altogether, each with a list of names written in black marker on their doors. I go to the closest one and scan the names: Benny, Kal, Maria, Corpet, Ness. I look around at the other doors and see around the same number of names on each.

"How many people live here?" My mouth is hanging open and my eyes are wide. How have there been so many people living right under my nose without me even suspecting. And there I was thinking I was the last human on Earth.

"At the moment, probably around 35 give or take."

"But what about all the names? I'm pretty sure that's more than 35."

"Well a lot are out on group missions, they're usually gone for a few months or longer, depending on the objective." He looks down at the floor then as if he's preparing himself. His gaze snaps back to me, his eyes gentle, a little sorrowful. "But some are captured or dead. We mark them with asterisks on the stalls, pay our respects and leave flowers and gifts outside their rooms."

That hits me like a punch to the chest. I look back over at the list on the first door. *Benny, Kal, Maria, Corpet, *Ness. I meet Kipp's gaze again, mentally tossing up between giving him a hug and pummelling him with more questions. I go with the latter because he is teetering on a razor's edge over a pit of anguish and the only way to escape the situation these days is to replace that pit with another. In this case rage is the safer choice. "T-they capture people?"

A sad look on his face, he opens his mouth to reply, but shuts it quickly, as if he realised who he was talking to. "I really think Captain Duketon should explain the ins and outs of missions when you see him again. It's not really my place."

I nod, giving him a soft smile.

He takes a deep breath, then releases it. "So, shower?"

I nod again, more enthusiastically that I meant.

Kipp smiles, showing his perfect set of teeth, but it does not reach his eyes. He reaches behind him to grab a black marker from a long white shelf. "Write your name on a stall and hop in." He gives me the marker and his fingers brush mine briefly. "Mine's over there." He points to the second last stall on the left.

I turn to write my name on the first stall, when Kipp stops me. "You know, you can change your name if you want." He looks down at me warmly.

I think about it for a minute.

A new name. I guess it's kind of fitting considering the circumstance, but it's like giving up who I am when I don't even remember who that person is. Like erasing everything I am without really knowing what I've removed. The boy from my dream appears in my eye's mind. His blue eyes are glistening and the edges of his lips are pulled up slightly in a smile. Suddenly I know I can't give up on myself, or my memories and experiences. Because if I loose them, what will I be without them?

I turn back towards to stall door and write my name, the girl I am. Ali.