A Letter from Dark Static - No Capes

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Dear Mr. Santa Claus,

I think it's all just a misunderstanding. Let's call it what it is and bury the hatchet. It's not that I meant to make Christmas Eve more difficult for you, and I never intended for you to run out of time for eating cookies. It's just that when AbominableSnow Man came to attack Capital City, well, let's just say that to defeat him I needed a little reindeer magic.

For the record, I'll admit to it. Fine. I stole Rudolph. Borrowed, really. Okay—borrowed without permission. But it was me, Santa. Me: Dark Static. Not the Torrent. The Torrent had absolutely nothing to do with this. You know she's never been on the naughty list in her life. Why put her on it now when you could me on it for the 8th year in a row? Wouldn't that be a better use of your resources? The elf in charge of crossing out my name and writing in hers could have made six etch-a-sketches in that time!

I know you're going to need some more convincing. I mean honestly Santa, for a guy that is supposed to know everything it pains me to have to write this letter. But, I suppose, you've been busy helping children in places of the world I could never reach...

Here's how it went down:

On December 24th, 6:00 A.M, AbominableSnow Man breaks into Arielle Roberts', the former Ms. Linden, home. By the way, Santa, in case you're voting in the upcoming mayor elections, vote for Roberts. A vote for Roberts is a vote for Justice. Anyways, as I'm sure you know, Arielle Roberts is the kind of woman who doesn't need anything for Christmas—she's already bought it, worn it, used it, and decided she's done with it while your elves are still working on product-design. Naturally, then, if anyone is going to try to break into a home in Capital City, hers is at the top of the list.

Now, I'm not sure if people submit change-of-addresses forms to you or the guy at the mall, but I live there too now. At Arielle Roberts' house. I live there with my brother, Jamie, sweet kid, and I'd like you to know that this is the place to drop off our presents this year. So it just so happened that when AbominableSnow Man burst through Arielle's bedroom window, I was there to save the day. Yes, Santa—Me. Not Madeline. Madeline can sleep through anything.

So AbominableSnow Man. He's 8 feet-tall, huge, dressed head-to-toe in a white snowsuit that made him look like a marshmallow, had the largest pair of ski goggles I have ever seen, and his hands were covered in blue gloves that glowed. And he had some sweet powers, Santa. First, he tried to freeze us all by shooting powers out of his gloves, but he was no match for my lasers. Then he tried blowing icicles in our faces. Also no match for the lasers. The whole time he's screaming some kind of Himalayan chant, as if that could possibly help him. Turns out that it could, because that's when he got smart.

It was about this time, by the way, that the one and only Madeline Roberts decided to get out of her bed and come help me. Not that I needed it ... but it's the thought that counts. Which turned out to be a good thing, because then I did need her help.

AbominableSnow Man realized he'd have to take out my lasers to win this War on Christmas, and he did so by ripping off a piece of his marshmallow snowsuit and blowing on it in his hands. It morphed into a sparkling dust, and his suit grew back. It was like magic. That's when I really started to get chills. Because there's a difference between Super Powers and magic. It's a subtle difference, but it's there: Super Powers come from inside of you. You control them, they are you—they're you at your absolute best. But Magic... no one really knows where it comes from. Fewer people know how to control it, and even those people might be kidding themselves.

AbominableSnow Man blew the magic dust right into my eyes, and everything went white. That was all I could see—just a snowy clearing on a blizzardy day. The next thing I knew, Madeline was helping me eat soup and we were both freezing cold. The AbominableSnow Man had gotten what he'd come for, and kidnapped Arielle.

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