Falling in Love + other Conditions of Living

Chapter 27

© kelliekook

She wasn't sure how long she had been sitting there, on her bed, staring at the things.

Only three cases – nothing more, nothing less. That was all Rachel West needed to fit her entire life in to.

She'd finished packing hours ago, but when she zipped the final case and stood back to admire her handy work she had suddenly felt empty. Here were three medium-sized pieces of luggage containing all the essentials she justified she would need. A completely different continent filled entirely with strangers and that was all she thought to take with her?

So many years of dreaming, of pushing herself and working long, hard hours, and in the end all it boiled down to was that? Three measly suitcases.

Rachel closed her eyes, I'm being irrational, she thought as she took a deep breath to steady herself, I can't take everything with me. But Rachel was surprised to discover how desperately she wanted to.

The couch she and Maddy had inherited that smelt of her mother, the chestnut desk she'd wasted weeks saving for, the well-worn kitchen table she'd ate multiple meals at in a haze of laughter and delight... They may be just material possessions, but they held memories and a type of comfort she saw only now that they were to no longer be hers.

What, or who, could she turn to in times of loneliness? Her friends, her family – they would all be on the opposite end of the planet. Who would be there to stand beside her in those initial months where everything is foreign and unknown?

Rachel opened her eyes and puffed out her cheeks, it wasn't as if this whole thing was a complete surprise. It had been nearly three weeks since she'd bustled in to Mr Denson's office, made her decision and booked her one-way plane ticket. Since then she had done nothing but prepare and plan. Clearly, she was not as well organised as she thought.

It all seemed unbelievably daunting knowing that she'd face it so profoundly alone.

How silly of me, she reasoned, to worry this much over something so prematurely. There were still three days before one flight would take her away from everything she knew. Plenty of time to say goodbye!

Rachel grimaced, what had happened to her earlier enthusiasm?

She had postponed going sooner so that Brianna and James could be there to send her off, as per their wishes. Really, she had wanted to leave as soon as the decision was made. But she hadn't, and the days had rolled by slowly, giving her ample opportunity to go over her past mistakes and potential future ones.

Oscar Wilde said once that, "the heart was made to be broken" Rachel had decided, Wilde was an ass.

Heartache was different to what she had expected. She was in a constant state of tension, every muscle feeling tight and uncomfortable no matter how much she breathed deeply or stretched or drank different sorts of herbal teas. If she let herself stop, think and remember her throat would constrict painfully, urging her to succumb to the inevitable, to just let herself cry. But she couldn't, and she sure as hell wouldn't. If she did, it would only make her feel worse.

It was easy enough to distract herself during the day, to take up new art classes or start volunteering at the library. It was only when night fell and all was quiet, when she was left with only her thoughts and the reality of the merciless truth.

Rachel could no longer remember how she'd ever slept for any more than five hours a night.

Her friends were concerned to say the least, and babied her to the point that she had taken to hiding or lying to get away from them. They meant well, Rachel understood that, yet as is with any grief in life; you face it utterly alone. Of that, she was all too aware.