Falling For An Inmate

Chapter 17: Guilty

Trigger Warning*

This chapter contains strong imagery about sexual violence.

CHAPTER 17

Arya Crawford

"You know."

My eyes didn't leave his face as I stood deathly quiet. But I must have nodded my head a little because the next thing I knew, Carter cursed loudly under his breath before turning to punch the wooden wall of the shed.

The sudden action as well as the sound of contact between wood and fist made me jump a little and take a step back, letting out a surprised gasp.

His head snapped back towards me and his eyes shot up to mine. He retracted his arm and used the same hand to rake through his messy dark hair, all the while having his jaw clenched.

I kept my gaze in place even as he was looking at the ceiling, trying to gain composure I would think.

I watched him, without a word. How frustrated he seemed and how he was racking his brain to say something. I observed, as the muscles in his arms would grow taut each time he clenched and unclenched his hand, probably wanting to hit something again.

I could tell he was only refraining from repeating his earlier action due to my reaction. He could probably see the fear in my eyes even at such a distance.

I didn't want to be afraid of him though. The man I had gotten to know the past month was standing right there in front of me but every time I blinked I only saw one word engraved on the inside of my eyelids.

Murder.

I shuddered involuntarily and brought up my hands to soothe the goosebumps that had appeared on my arms.

He looked up from where he was bent over the table, arms pushed against the wood to keep him steady.

He began, hesitantly. "Arya-"

"Did you do it?" I blurted out softly before I could even process what I was saying.

Ofcourse he did it. That's why he was in prison. But I needed him to say it. I needed him to tell me he did it, for me to believe it. I needed him to tell me himself that he had killed someone. Because I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to believe that he was capable of such horror. I needed verbal confirmation.

"No."

Such a simple word. A small word. An easy word. An uncomplicated word. But in that moment for me, one word caused a whirlwind of confusion to form in my mind.

Somewhere deep down, when I asked him if he had done it, I wanted him to deny it. Somewhere deep deep down. But I knew that was unrealistic because we were having this conversation in a prison which he was currently an inmate of. But now that he was actually denying it, I wanted him to tell me he did do it. So that I could go back to being afraid instead of conflicted.

He had to be lying. Nobody confessed to their crimes. And he was in prison. That should have been the end of that. But I found myself thinking, he had no reason to lie. Why would he? What would he gain? He was already in prison so confessing his crime wouldn't get him into any more trouble than he was already in.

"Arya, I know you don't believe-"

"I believe you."

I stood there with a blank expression as Carter stared at me in perplexed shock.

Maybe I was wrong, and I probably was wrong, but in only a few seconds I had convinced myself that he had no reason to lie to me. It wouldn't change his situation. And even if he was, maybe it was better for me to believe that he hadn't murdered someone. Maybe it was better that this way I could put my fear away and go back to how things were.