Did You Hear About Brianna?

Chapter 8

Covers and banners are always appreciated. 

____________________________________________________________________________

The concept of survival is an unfathomable idea to understand. I was never able to fully process the magnitude of the dangers I was in. When I was trying to survive I focused on getting out of the mess I was in. Never on the actuality of my predicament. Surviving was small increments. Holding my breath for a few more seconds whilst they drowned me. Rubbing my arms to make me a few degrees warmer to stop hypothermia. 

Survival was small tiny steps of holding on to life, when death dragged harder than gravity. Survival was grasping onto the fringes of life whist shoving aside who you were. As I was now doing. I was surviving.

A week had passed since I had discovered Max's cowardly behavior and the incident with the children. A week since I lost every last fragment of who I was. I did what I was supposed too. Almost robotically. In some way, those around me assumed I was functioning well, considering the circumstances. That I was quiet and withdrawn because I was dealing with the devastation of my life. The reality was far more complex. . 

I wasn't coping. I wasn't feeling. I wasn't present.  If they only knew that my actions were polar opposite to the testament of my ability to function normally.  I was surviving. Pretending to make it and pretending to heal. I was pretending to be fine so I wouldn't be institutionalised.

"So do you know which courses you'll be applying for?" Asked Annabelle as she dished up potatoes at the dinner table. 

"Just the Introductory courses to Biology, anatomy, math's and science." I replied back, responding, as I knew I should.  

The kids look down at their plates, avoiding all eye contact with me. They were wary of me, confused by my personality and afraid of who I was. When I entered a room, they left. Scattered away like bunnies running from grass cutters. 

Whilst I did not know them, even I could tell that they were subdued by my presence around them. I had placed a damper on their childhood. It was not appropriate. I was the epitome of the word somber. My brows furrowed at the thought.

My mother glanced up from her plate.

"It's so great that the University offered you your placement back after you left. Seven years have gone by and you won't have to reapply. It's only acceptable considering the circumstances." Said my mother.

My ever-present headache started to build. Something about the flow of her words grated me. I nodded. 

"Yep. Awesome." I said back, my voice devoid of any happiness. The meat tasted like a mound of bake cardboard. Everyone else was digging into it so it must have tasted good. Food was just another motion I played. 

"We'll have to get you your supplies soon. Make a day of it. Spend the morning shopping, maybe get some lunch. Afterwards we can even go to the hairdresser. I should invite Cassandra and her daughter. You remember her? Little Emma. Well not so little anymore. You used to hang out as kids. Ooh it will be so much fun!" She gushed like a natural spring of a geyser.

"No need mom. Brianna and I have already made plans for this Saturday and we've got everything covered for her supplies." Said Annabelle, dismissing my mother's extravagant planning.  Bo observed the conversation.

I knew my mother meant well but the thought of a girl's day out with people I didn't remember sounded like a nightmare.

I really just wanted to have silence and to be left alone. I wanted to go away. No, I wanted to go away from the person I felt like. 

My mother just kept babbling on.

"It's so sad you wouldn't let me bring Carson tonight. I still don't know why you wouldn't let me invite him Annabelle. He was so looking forward to meeting Brianna. He never got the chance to meet her since she came back. " Said my mother dishing up more chicken, her filter completely off as usual.

My headache throbbed harder at the mention of his name. Each reminder of his name disgusted me.

The usual pain I could ignore but it was changing into a migraine.

"There will be plenty of other dinners." Boggart said.

"Still. I want you to meet him. You will love him Brianna! We are going to be such a happy family again." She said, her eyes filling with joy and light. 

Love? I loved Max and he turned around and married someone else. Now my mother wanted me to love Carson? Like how I loved my dad?  He was a human. The same like those who used me as meat for an experiment. 

The migraine began to pound.  I squeezed my eyes shut as the colors around me turned cloyingly brighter. The casual dinner chatter began to grate on my nerves. It felt like a loud microphone was turned up to the point of squeaking.

"Did the police find anything else? Its simply appalling that they haven't made any progress. I think it just speaks to a lack of focus in the investigation. Brianna, did you go back to that detective? You should put more pressure on him. Force him to give you answers. I won't be surprised if he is pretending to work. Maybe they should transfer your case to another unit. Go for a re-interview. Now that you are back you should force them to work on your case." Babbled my mother. 

Her foolish thinking and inconsideration was starting to wear thin. I didn't care about the fucking investigation. I wanted my life back.

"I'm tired. Goodnight." I said, abruptly getting up from the table. Mummers of goodnight waft behind me. I walked down the hallway, my hands against the wall guiding me to my room. 

Shutting the door behind me I crawled on top of the bed. My head was turning into a dark place. I wanted to be the person that I used to be.  Too much had happened. Too many big problems had occurred that had shifted my life and everyone was expecting me to be who I was.  

I didn't even know who I was. 

I just knew I didn't like the person I was forced to become. 

I was starting to disconnect from my life.