dear diary ✧ phan

December 22nd, 2017

Dear Diary,

I just can't stop thinking about what's happened. Everything was going so great and then all of a sudden, something just has to come along and fuck everything up for me.

I know I've made mistakes in the past and I definitely wasn't a good person, but I regret every single mistake I made. If I could go back and change what I did to make myself a better person, I would. I regret walking away from Phil two years ago when he was everything I wanted and more. I regret not getting myself a job. I regret allowing my so-called family to manipulate me and torment me until I was strong enough to walk away. I know I used to be a bad person but I'm trying to do better now - why are things still going wrong?

I'm sat opposite the Christmas tree and a couple of Phil's presents from me are just sat uselessly under it. I haven't turned the Christmas lights on and I haven't been doing anything Christmas-related whatsoever. All I can think about is the possibilities of where Phil and our son could be, and praying nothing has happened to them. He could literally be anywhere in the world and I'm sat at home clueless, when he could be dead for all I know. It's a grim thought so I'm trying not to linger too much on that thought.

I just need him here. I need my family back. Since he left I just can't stop thinking about him. God, I love him so much. I wish I told him more. Instead I'm permanently too caught up in my own little stupid world whilst he goes out and holds this family together. Damn I've messed up. Why can't I be a better person? He doesn't deserve me.

Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if after all this, he didn't come back to me at all. I wouldn't blame him. I wouldn't if I were him.