Nothing To Lose

5- Graves and Jobs

When the bell rang I was more than happy to leave class. Elise’s constant chattering was giving me a headache and I already hated English. As I packed up my stuff, she said, “I’ll see you guys on Thursday.” I waved once and then went back to trying to fit my stuff into my bag. I got it all in and chased after Elise to the door. However, in my haste, my boot caught on something, sending me tumbling to the ground.

“Tally, are you okay?” I heard Mr. Baker ask as he suddenly appeared next to me, offering me his hand. I ignored it and stood up, focusing my eyes on his shoe.

I nodded. “I’m fine, can I leave?”

“I need to talk to you,” he responded. “About a lot of things, but that can wait. Right now I just want to tell you that there’s nothing wrong with being dyslexic, it just makes it harder to read and write. But it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you or your brain.” His words made a smile appear on my face even as I tried to stop it.

I looked up and saw that the rest of the class had already left and it was just the two of us again. “Thank you.”

“No problem, and if you need space and time to think about everything, I understand. Just please don’t reject me or do anything rash right now,” he murmured. His eyes were begging me to listen.

I met his eyes and felt relief wash through me, with a bit of odd disappointment. I really hate the Tiger Spirit part of me sometimes. “I do, thank you.” He managed a small smile but I could see the hurt behind it. I turned away so I wouldn’t have to see it anymore and headed towards the door.

“I have to get to class,” I excused myself, leaving his classroom. This was all so messed up I didn’t even know what to think.

After school I decided I would go to the ice-skating rink Max and Erin had told me about, but first there was something else I needed to do. I drove there robotically, somehow knowing exactly where it was, even though I hadn’t been there in five years.

I came to a stop at the graveyard and walked to my mother’s grave. When I reached it, I fell onto the ground next to it and ran my fingers over the engraving. I already knew what it said; the words had been stuck in the back of my head ever since she died. Here lies Monica Cooper; beloved wife, mother, daughter and friend. ‘Be yourself, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind’ – Bernard M. Baruch.

I sighed and said, “I’m sorry I haven’t been here. I can’t stand to even think about you; it makes me too sad. I wish you were still here. It isn’t fair that I had to go through everything without you when Riley and Casey got to spend so much time with you. Even Jason got sixteen years.” I paused to take a quivering breath.

“I bet you would be able to help me with what I’m going through right now. You’re probably watching me from heaven and thinking ‘oh my, what has she gotten herself into?’ And honestly, I have no idea. I never wanted a mate, but now I want nothing more than to be with Mr. Baker and I’ve only known him for two days. What do I do?” By this point I was full out sobbing; my makeup must’ve been smeared all over my face.

I could barely force out my next words. “I miss you, Mom and I miss Dad too- I wish he would come back… I love you and thanks for listening.” Then I wrapped my arms around my knees, pulling them against my chest, praying no one would see me crying so pathetically.

Once I got my tears under control, I walked back over to my motorcycle and pulled a small mirror out of my bag to see what I looked like. Just like I thought, I was a complete mess. My face, nose and eyes were red and my mascara left black marks on my cheeks- at least the rest of my makeup was waterproof. I wiped off the mascara marks and redid it before hopping back onto my motorcycle and heading towards the ice rink. I’d found directions to it on the internet as soon as school ended.