Heartbreak (mxm)

Chapter Seven: Depression

Dominik:

I laid in a bed and sighed, not really feeling anything. I was listening to my iPod and felt my eyes tear up a bit as Amnesia by 5 Seconds of Summer came on, and being the masochist I am, I put it on repeat.

"I wish I could wake up with amnesia..

And forget about the stupid little things

Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you

And the memories I never can escape

Cause I'm not fine at all..."

"C'mon, Dom..." I heard the desperation and helplessness in poor Isaac's voice and felt bad. Since he'd found me... And stopped me, he has been looking after me the best he can. He's been trying to get me out, get me to a therapist, get me happy again. It wasn't that easy though. I just can't get myself to go anywhere, or to smile, and I can hardly sleep or eat. Since I pushed him away soon after my breakup and all, he hasn't seen the true impact it has had on me. Sure he'd seen the dark bags under my eyes, and he had seen me slowly get thinner. But it didn't seem to hit him that I've fallen apart, and I don't think I'll be able to be put back together again.

"Isaac, why are you still trying?" I asked in a tired, rough voice.

"Dominik, I'm still trying because I care about you. You're the brother I've never had and losing you would mean losing my best friend as well as my brother. I just can't lose you. Jack isn't worth all of this-"

"It's not just Jack." I dug my nails into my palm, "Mom left right after that stuff happened. Soon enough... My brothers and my dad all blamed me for her leaving. Isaac, she left to be with some snobby rich guy and I got the blame for it. And I went back to tell them, and any trace that I had left of me living there was gone. No pictures, no nothing. I literally lost everybody. And I lost you because of myself. That was completely my fault and its so obvious that you can't even argue with it. I've literally had nobody. I went from having all kinds of people that truly cared about me, to nobody. I was going to end it a few days ago because I wanted to end this pain that's just keeps piling up and I felt I had nobody to actually grieve my death. I think what really did it was the fact that everything was my fault. My mom hated that I was gay. She despised me. Now she's off somewhere with some rich guy and dad is completely heartbroken. I deserve the hate from my family, I deserved the pain I brought on myself by pushing you out of my life, and I must've not done enough for Jack. He had never cheated on somebody before me. It had to have been me. It's all me." I was choking on a huge lump in my throat by the end of my little spill. Every little bit of what I said was true, though. "I've found myself in such agonizing pain and every single bit of it is my fault."

I felt the bed dip and his arms slowly coming around me to hold me to him. "Dominik, I was you to listen to me, and listen to me good, okay? Absolutely none of this is your fault. You don't choose to be gay, and your mom left because she's a homophobic bigot. You didn't point a gun at her and make her leave and get with that guy. Your family had no right to blame you for her abandonment. I'm still trying to figure out why Jack felt the need to cheat on you because you were the perfect boyfriend to him. I don't blame you for pushing me away. You were trying to save yourself from some pain. You were scared I was going to leave you. You thought it would be less painful to leave me instead. You wanted to give me the choice of staying that idiots friend. I was never angry at you, Dominik. I never blamed you, and I sure as hell don't want you to blame yourself. I don't know why you're going through all of this pain, but I'm here to help you through it now. I want to make you promise to stay, but I know you'd brake it just as easy if you were as determined as a few days ago. I want you to know that I love you so much, Dominik. I'd be broken if you died. I would never be the same. Ever. You've got me to grieve your death. You've always had me.

"I don't want to tell my children about my amazing best friend. I want to show them. I want them to meet and know you. I want you to be Uncle Dominik. Hell, I want your to be my child(ren)'s godfather. You can't do that dead, can you? No, you can't. So I want you to try to stay as long as there is somebody to care. I'll always be here to care and love you."

I was an absolute mess by the end of his speech. He was hugging me tightly and I could feel his tears wetting the back of my shirt. I turned around and wrapped my arms around his waist and buried my head in his chest and sobbed like a little baby until I fell asleep.

***

Isaac

After laying there for what felt like hours, I turned slightly to check the alarm clock beside the bed and widened my eyes when I saw it actually has been three hours. I sighed and slowly and carefully withdrew my arms from around Dominik, and did the same with his arms that were clinging to me in return.

I need to get him out of this bed. Out of his apartment where we've both been staying since a few days ago. I was too scared to leave him alone so I had my brother, Ethan, bring some groceries. Ethan and I are extremely close and he wanted to spend some time with me before he has to drive back home for his senior year. He knows Domink really well and Dominik was like extended family to him. When I told him what happened and why I'm staying at Dominik's apartment, he was completely crushed. I don't think he was as crushed as I was though. When I found Dominik on that bridge, about to leave for good... I was so devastated and I didn't think I was going to be able to stop him once he started struggling. The pure desperation in his voice left me feeling like my heart had been ripped out, stomped on, and thrown back at me.

I have absolutely no doubt that he would've gone through with it had I not stopped him because the people around him sure as hell weren't pulling him from the ledge.

I finally stood up from the bed and made my way out of the room, leaving the door open like it has been since we got back. I didn't mean to just invade his privacy and show such distrust, but at this point if it keeps him here with me I can't feel bad about it. It may be selfish, but I know it's got to get better for him than this. I know he wants to die so badly, but it's not his time, and it can't stay bad forever. It just can't. I'll make sure it won't.

I'm glad we still have a little over a month and a half left before we start college, because I know that he wouldn't be able to be going to classes right now, nonetheless paying attention the way he'll need to. Now I just need to get him out and get him enjoying life again. It's been so many months since I've seen him smile even the littlest amount. It probably been months since he's wanted to.

No matter what it takes, I'll make him smile again.