A Letter To Jared Padalecki

MY DEPRESSION STORY-NEW VERSION

NEWLY UPDATED VERSION OF MY DEPRESSION STORY WHERE I PUT IN MORE DETAILS THAT SURROUNDED MY DEPRESSION AND WHERE I AM NOW!!! 
STILL HERE IS A BIG THANK YOU TO JARED PADALECKI! I DON'T KNOW WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED TO ME IF HE WASN'T THERE. I DON'T KNOW WHERE I WOULD BE WITHOUT THIS CAMPAIGN. AND I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT. I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT COULD'VE HAPPENED HAVE HE NOT BEEN THERE FOR ME. I WANT HIM TO KNOW THAT HE HAS HAD A BIG IMPACT ON ME AND MY LIFE. JOINING THE SPN FAMILY WAS THE BEST DECISION I'VE EVER MADE. I MET AND CONNECTED WITH SO MANY FANS ONLINE AND ON THE SUPERNATURAL AMINO APP. WE ARE ALL A FAMILY AND FAMILY IS KIND AND THOUGHTFUL. THE FANDOM AND I CHAT IT UP A LOT IN GROUP CONVERSATIONS ON THE SUPERNATURAL AMINO APP AND I AM HAPPY TO SAY THAT I HAVE MADE OVER 500 FOLLOWERS. THEY ARE ALL SO KIND. WE VERY RARELY ARGUE AND ALSO HILLY HINDI IS ON IT IF YOU WANTED TO KNOW. BUT IT'S A GREAT APP AND IF YOU GUYS WANT TO CONNECT WITH OTHER FANS, YOUNG AND OLD, JOIN THE APP! IT'S FREE AND IT'S LIKE TWITTER AND FACEBOOK PUT INTO ONE. IT'S ALMOST LIKE A MYSPACE FOR THE FANDOM. BUT YEAH. JARED HAS HELPED ME OUT WITH A LOT. SO HERE IT IS. THE NEW VERSION OF MY DEPRESSION STORY WITH THINGS I DIDN'T SHARE EARLIER. I LOVE YOU GUYS AND PLEASE REMEMBER TO ALWAYS KEEP FIGHTING...

In April 2015, that was when I first realized it. One morning I woke up and it hit me. I didn't know how to react at the time and at the time I didn't know what was happening to me. I felt almost as if I was lost. I felt like the second choice. Like I was the second best. Sometimes I felt that I wasn't even the second best. I felt more like the 15th best.

I had no logical reason to be depressed. I mean I didn't lose a job. I fit okay in society. I have amazing friends. I am doing well in school. My family was together. I had nothing to feel depressed about.

But sometimes you don't know the reason. It can hit anyone. Even the happiest people could come down with depression. And the longer it stays the more serious it could become.

It wasn't the best time in my life. I mean everything was fine and all. But what I mean is that it was a tough battle at that time.

I found myself some nights crying myself to sleep. I had anxiety. I grew up with anxiety. It was something I delt with since childhood. But the anxiety somewhat went away a while earlier before the depression hit.

I tried telling my friends what I felt so I had some people to be there for me but once in a while while I am down I speak up about it and some of them said "You don't even know what depression is" or "You're being overdramatic. Build a bridge and get over it." These types of comments only made it worst. Seriously, just writing those words they said down is bringing tears to my eyes. I hate the memory so much. I felt that no one really was there for me. I thought I wasn't good enough but now I felt like I was just a waist of space and no one would really care if I disappeared.

At times my mind would drift to "I'd be better off dead." I hated that thought but the thought came maybe like three times during my first battle with depression.

I hated the way I looked. I felt that I was too fat or my hair wasn't perfect. I felt insecure about the smallest things like my nailbeds and muscle.

This went on for three months. It ended in July 2015. I had a smile again. I felt happy and excited for the summer and at the end of the summer I will be a High School Senior.

And then it happened again.

In September 2015, it came back. It happened so fast. One day I was this happy go lucky kid and one day I wake up, my smile gone. I awoke and saw myself again as useless and second best (or 15th best). It happened so sudden I really didn't have time to react. It just came.

It's so weird how one day you could be fine and then the next feel ashamed of yourself. A lot can actually happen in 24 hours.

I felt like I was being judged for everything. I felt like people looked at me like I was retarded or something. I felt that if I messed up I would be judged for it. I wasn't confident in myself.

I felt like only a handful of people cared and understood. But again people started saying things like "You don't know what depression is" "Stop being overdramatic" and "Some people have it worst than you." I just needed someone to talk to.

I immediately turned over to Jared for help. I knew he could help me again. I kept every quote he said in my mind and when I felt lost I would write a quote from him down like, "Don't look at things as obstacles, but a step on a ladder." 

To clear it all up, in December 2015, I didn't even notice it happened. I didn't even notice that the depression disappeared. I noticed when I thought to myself and said "When was the last time I felt sad or depressed?" Or "When was the last time I wasn't happy?" I felt that I have won another long battle and can keep fighting.

The thing is that since I delt with it twice there's no doubt that it could happen again. But I'm just going to live everyday the best I can. Sometimes I feel that the depression came back but it never last more than a couple hours.

Depression is a war against yourself. Fight it like every battle ever won. You can get through this. Because you will ALWAYS KEEP FIGHTING! 

FOLLOW MY NEW TWITTER ACCOUNT SupportAKF. IT'S AN ACCOUNT DEDICATED TO THE ALWAYS KEEP FIGHTING CAMPAIGN AND EACH DAY A DAILY REMINDER WILL BE POSTED. QUOTES FROM JARED. ANYTHING TO REMIND YOU THAT YOU ARE AMAZING BECAUSE YOU ARE YOU.

ALWAYS KEEP FIGHTING!