A Letter To Jared Padalecki

Extra! My Depression Story

I think everyone goes through some kind of depression at sometime in their life. And like Jared, I have come to the conclusion that I believe I'm depressed. Depression is different for everybody. Most people think of it as sucidal thoughts and actions or emo. Sometimes it takes awhile to finally admit you're depressed. I figured out that I was depressed a few months ago, when I would cry all the time about how my life isn't what I expected it to be. I wasn't happy. I was and sort of still mad at everything. Life just sucked.

I locked myself up in my room all the time, just sitting on my bed and using my laptop. I wouldn't like contact with anyone and I refused half the time to leave my room. 

For some reason, to take my mind off things I drew demonic symbols (It's a Supernatural thing) like Devil's Traps and Tulpas and even something simple like the pentegram.

But you know what annoyed me about this whole experience? It was that people didn't believe me and that I was just being overdramatic or some other crap. I got even more mad at the world than I already was at these comments. People saying things like "You don't even know what depression is" or the simple "You're not depressed, Biacho!"

Just because someone seems like they have the perfect life doesn't mean they aren't gonna get depressed at some point in their lives.

I'm not the kind to cut or any of the others things people think depressed people do.

Well, here's how it started:

I was a Junior in High School. My life in school was just fine. I didn't like going but it was better than most High Schools in Broome County.

Well, it mainly I guess started in October, when my sister got a boyfriend. I've dealt with this before. But her's the thing, MY friends always would ask my sister out or something like that but she would always decline. What makes me made though is that they're MY friends. They don't even know her and yet they send their little friggin' asses off to her. I feel like the second choice. We're twins and it's pretty hard when a boy likes your identical twin sister and doesn't give a f-ing crap about you. This made me look at all my flaws like stretch marks, birth marks, acne, and just about everything about me. I felt like they always thought my sister was prettier than me because she didn't have my flaws. The only flattery I got from a guy who was actually someone I didn't hate was when one of my sister's friend (Dude) stole my sister's phone and called me pretty and cute and all the other ones. I felt pretty because of him. And it didn't help that my sister is pretty much deciding who I can and can't be friends with. She won't allow me to be friends with her friends because she thinks they're all her's. I like her friends and they like me so this pisses me off.

Next is that I never did anything with my life. I'm nervous to get out there. The only activity I ever did was the performing arts which gave me the chance to be a different person. Sometimes I'm not happy being me. Like I just want to change into a different person. I'm not happy being me.

Jared kinda helped me through these hard times with his speeches and his campaigne for #AlwaysKeepFighting. Saying things like in the quotes chapter of this book. If it wasn't for him, I'd be mad at the world all the time. But when I see him speaking up for depression, I feel myself getting stronger. Making myself feel worth it.

Here's another reason why I'm depressed: Half my friends are 17 and engaged. IKR! It sucks! I don't want to share my thoughts about teenage engagment because I don't want to upset them. I'm proud of them and all but it makes me mad because most of my friends get engaged and cancel it like a week later and then a couple weeks later their engaged to some other guy. I don't get how they can do this. I honestly find myself as an amazing person and I don't understand how they can have several boyfriends in several months when I can't get a stupid guy to talk to me (One I actually like).

I can't get the pleasure of a relationship because I'm not a slut and I'm waiting on my perfect guy.

I'm just mad about everything and I don't know how to stop the anger. I just want to tell all couples to "SHUT UP AND GO AWAY! I HATE YOU AND I HOPE YOU BREAK-UP!"

So yeah, it's hard being a 19 year old senior in High School.

GOD, I JUST WANT IT TO END! I WANT TO BE HAPPY! I WANT A LIFE! I F-ING WANT TO BE HAPPY TO BE ALIVE!

BUT BECAUSE OF JARED I WAS ABLE TO FEEL LOVED AND CARED ABOUT AND I CAN'T THANK HIM ENOUGH FOR HIS SUPPORT TO ALL OF US BATTLING DEPRESSION LIKE HE DID.

SOMETIMES, THERE'S NO REASON WHY YOU'RE DEPRESSED. ONE DAY IT JUST HITS YOU AND YOU JUST KNOW. YOU KNOW THAT YOU AREN'T HAPPY AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHY AT THE EXACT MOMENT. LIKE I SAID IT'S DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE. AND I HOPE YOU ALL KNOW WHO ARE GOING THROUGH THE SAME JOURNEY AS ME THAT EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE ALRIGHT AND I WANT YOU TO PROMISE BOTH ME AND JARED TO ALWAYS KEEP FIGHTING.

REMEMBER THAT I LOVE ALL OF YOU. I LOVE MY SPN FAMILY AND SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE THEY'RE BETTER FRIENDS THAN MY REAL LIFE FRIENDS.

BUT I 100% LOVE YOU GUYS AND DON'T JUDGE OTHERS ON THE WAY THEY ARE DEPRESSED. EVERYONE'S DEPRESSED IN THEIR OWN WAY SO SHUT UP AND DEAL WITH OTHERS F-ING WAYS OF LIFE.

lOVE YOU AND ALWAYS KEEP FIGHTING!